Desensitization
by Feigningintrest
Summary: After she nearly loses it in Abnormal Psych Tris' hot T.A. offers to help her overcome her worst fear. A/U college
1. Diagnosis

**A/N This story is for Dardarbinx101 since it was her dream that inspired it. I'm happy I got to use my very expensive degree for this one a little bit.**

 **This is an AU Eris, if you're not into that kind of thing that's OK there's plenty of Canon compliant Fourtris and some of its great.**

 **I don't own Divergent. I will try my best to keep them in character whenever possible.**

 **Also there's a line I stole from Girl Interrupted because let's face it that movie's amazing.**

 **Tris' outfits are on polyvore.**

I'm sitting in the back of the over air conditioned lecture hall dreading today's lesson. Abnormal psychology was not my first choice in classes, but I need a psychology elective and the only other class that fit into my schedule was human sexuality and there was absolutely no chance I was taking that.

It is halfway through the semester and according to the syllabus we are scheduled to start phobias today. I pull my sweatshirt sleeves down over my hands and take the string from my hood between my teeth. The professor for this class is usually always early, I'm starting to wonder if I missed a cancelation email when finally a few other students filter into the room and take their seats. I look down at my phone screen to check the time this class is scheduled to start at 4:15 and it's 4:25. I slide my finger across the screen and open my emails, nothing about a cancelation, I text my best friend Christina telling her that I may be available to shop with her earlier than expected. Just as I receive her response the gorgeous T.A. I've been secretly drooling over all semester walks into the room sliding his messenger bag across the table and walking in front of the class.

"Sorry about that everyone," he starts. His voice is clear and deep, he has never really spoken during lecture. I've only heard him speak in low volume private conversations in passing, now his voice is clear and it carries even back to my isolated back row seat. He appears to be at home in front of the room not nervous or uncomfortable, confident in himself, "Doctor Matthews is unfortunately ill today so you'll be stuck with me for the week."

"Eric," a brunette in the front row interrupts with a hand in the air, and her nasal voice even more annoying than it usually is when she interrupts our regular professor at least three times a class.

"Yes Molly?" He answers his tone even, and with only a barely detectable flash of disinterest, as he turns to her.

"No offense, but if this information is going to be on the exam I would rather wait for Doctor Matthews to get back to learn it from someone who's not still learning the information himself," Molly's face looks as though she thinks there's nothing insulting in what she's just said. The look on everyone else's face tells a different story.

"Well Molly. Seeing as Doctor Matthews has no intentions of teaching this lesson again when she returns your options are to leave now and try to teach yourself about phobias and their treatment, or you can stay here, keep your mouth shut, and learn the material from someone who's received a four point zero average consistently in every class Doctor Matthews has taught, and is currently defending his doctoral dissertation on phobias and the use of desensitization therapy to alleviate anxiety." Across the class is a low murmur of 'holy shit', and 'I didn't know that.'

Molly closes her mouth and drops her eyes to the notebook in front of her. She's accepted defeat and Eric goes on to tell the class, "I understand that I'm young and most of you know me as the guy who answers pointless clerical questions and grades your exams, but I can assure you I've taken and passed this course, I have watched Doctor Matthews teach it an additional six times since I took it the first time, and I have taught it on two prior occasions. I understand and can clearly convey all of the information just as Doctor Matthews would. If there's anyone who doesn't feel comfortable with me teaching this section,by all means, feel free to email Doctor Matthews and explain that; however be warned she does not take well to having her judgement questioned."

You can hear a pin drop in the room when he is finished. He searches everyone's face but he must not see hesitation in anyone else's eyes because he continues, "good now that we have that out of the way please open your text books to page two hundred and fifty six." The rustle of paper fills the room but seeing as my book is already open I just watch the T.A. pull out his copy of the book and open it on the table.

The lecture hall messes with visual perception and seeing as I am several rows up and he is standing below me it's hard to tell how tall he is, but I have seen him round campus and he is definitely a good five or six inches taller than my average, five foot seven, frame. He's got sandy blonde hair cropped tight to his scalp at the sides but longer at the top and styled into a faux hawk. He's definitely young maybe only two or three years older than me, and he is incredibly broad shouldered and muscular. If I had never heard him speak, or seen the comments he writes on out papers to spark thought and discussion, I would have thought he was the stereotype 'dumb jock'. His skin is pale, but not sickly so, and I remember noticing in passing that his eyes were an odd shade of grey that changed depending on the day.

"Ms. Prior?" His voice cuts into my thoughts and and I shake my head to rid myself of the distracting thoughts.

"I'm sorry," I mumble as I cover my deeply red cheeks with my hidden hands and soft black sweatshirt before I continue, "I didn't hear the question."

"Focus Ms. Prior, Doctor Matthews' absence isn't an excuse to slack off. I asked if you could, please, give me the key component to the definition of the term Phobia."

I read this last night, "It is irrational. The person suffering from the phobia has no explainable logical reason for their fear or anxiety, they may even tell you that they know it makes no sense; however the fear and anxiety persist."

He nods his approval and says, "that's right. There is no logical reason for the often debilitating fear and anxiety attached to the sufferers trigger, but it is still a very real fear that will not be ignored."

Eric goes on defining several of the more common phobias and when he's done he asks if there are any questions. I've always wondered if my fear was one that anyone else had. I can't ask directly, it's much too embarrassing, but maybe I can get there without saying it out loud. I raise my hand and when Eric turns to me and says, "Tris?" I feel the sweat start to coat my palms. I drop my hands and run them across my thighs hoping the material of my leggings will hide the moisture. I swallow hard and notice that Eric is watching me. I spit out my question just to make him stop watching my hands, "what if someone is afraid of a base human need?"

"That's a really good question." Eric pulls himself up to sit on the table and crosses his ankles before running his nails quickly over the five o'clock shadow on his jawline. "When we're afraid of things like heights, spiders, or deep water avoidance is easy. While it's certainly not alleviating the fear we can avoid the symptoms and therefore act as though the fear doesn't exist without ever truly overcoming it. When someone is afraid of something unavoidable, food, clothing, water, or physical contact," the sweat socks my hands again and I pull my hair into a ponytail just to dry them off, "it's much harder to avoid these things and stay a healthy well balanced person. So it's important that these fears are faced and overcome." He pulls the text book towards him and turns a few pages, "if you turn to page two sixty you'll see the treatment courses for phobias."

I turn the page but I'm so embarrassed by my body's reaction to even the mention of physical contact that I can't focus entirely. I can hear my heart racing in my chest and my ears begin to ring. I am vaguely aware of Eric's voice at the front of the room but I keep my eyes trained on my text book pretending to be engrossed in the words I can't actually see through the fog of tears threatening to fall. I'm having an anxiety attack, a mild one but still scary. I try to focus on the book in front of me the font becoming clearer as I slowly breathe in through my nose and hold my breath before releasing it just as slowly.

I'm trying to do this as quietly as possible and thankfully I've taken a seat far enough away from anyone else that it appears my freak out has gone unnoticed. Until I look up and the lecture hall is nearly empty except for me, and Eric who is standing two rows down in front of me leaning against the seat behind him with his bag slung across his chest and his arms crossed. I look at him and I can feel the heat coloring my cheeks. "Don't worry. There's always one." He tells me.

I start to gather my book and my notebook twisting my hair into a bun and shoving my pen through to hold it up, all the while avoiding the eyes of my too attractive, and now too close for comfort, Teaching Assistant. "I'm just not feeling well today." I tell him.

"Tris I have a Masters Degree in applied counseling psychology. I may not be a doctor but I think I can recognize a mild panic attack when I see one." He says before pulling his bag off and dropping it on the desk in front of me. "You kept it together pretty well I'm sure no one else noticed," He assures me when he sees my eyes widen in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry." I say standing up.

"For what? It's not like you can help it. Like I said there's always at least one student with a real phobia that happens to get mentioned. You actually held it together better than anyone I've seen so far. There's always a ton of people who insist they have a phobia of snakes or spiders but when you ask about it more in depth it's all just over dramatized. Real phobias cause what happened to you, only it usually results in someone on the floor or screaming bloody murder."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I ask him with a bit too much bite to my voice.

He laughs and looks down at his shoes. I've never been this close to him for this long. Eric is an extremely attractive man and I'm just noticing the black ink of a tattoo peeking out of the collar of his light blue button up shirt. My mind wanders and I find myself wondering what it would taste like to kiss them. His forearms are exposed now that he's rolled his sleeves up and he's got tattoos there as well. His black slacks fit him well and I see how his leg muscles tighten as he shifts his weight. His hands are resting on either side of his legs on the back of the chair he's leaning on and I have to close my eyes to push the tension from my throat so I can swallow.

"Stop thinking about whatever it is." I hear him say closer than I expected. I gasp when I open my eyes and realize he's moved from his previous position and is now standing only a few feet away from me. I can smell his cologne and there's the faint hint of peppermint gum, I have to stop breathing through my nose because as the tightness in my abdomen grows the more light headed I feel. "Sorry. You were starting to panic again. I'm assuming you were remembering whatever triggered you during the lesson."

"Something like that," I mumble before saying, "I should go my roommate and I have plans." I try to get past him without bumping into him.

"Wait." He says as his fingers catch my elbow. He doesn't leave them there but the contact is enough to send a rush of fear up my spine. I'm not afraid of being touched, per say, I'm actually afraid of sex and all things sexual in nature. While I know my T.A. Isn't grabbing my elbow because he wants to have sex with me, I've just been thinking about what his legs look like in his slacks and what his tattoo might taste like, and just his scent and proximity was enough to send me into another wave of fear, so the contact is startling. My reaction must be obvious because he apologizes before looking at me curiously.

"Tris, I don't want to pry but, as I said before, my doctoral thesis is all about phobias." I nod and he continues, "I'm really interested in people's fears and the ways they overcome them. Would you tell me what your fear is, and how you manage to keep your panic attacks so minimal?"

"I'd really rather not. I'm sorry Mr. Coulter," calling him Eric in that moment feels too close and I need to distance him. "It's just more personal than I'm comfortable discussing."

He nods before saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Have fun with your roommate."

"Thanks." Is all I manage to say before leaving the classroom and breathing deeply when I'm finally outside in the fresh air.

XOXOXOXOXO

"You need to get over this silly fear, and quick." Christina chastises me over dinner. We have an off campus apartment but the dining hall is still much cheaper than eating at restaurants every night, and less hassle than grocery shopping and cooking. "Look I get it, what happened with Al freshman year was weird and I'm sure embarrassing but you can't let that ruin sex for you forever."

I flinch at her candor and say, "I can't think about Al today please. The last thing I need is a mental replay of that night." The truth is I don't like to think about Al, or freshman year, ever.

"Fair enough, let's talk more about Mr. Hot T.A.'s neck tattoo then." She laughs, "so how much did you see? What is it? How far up did it come? Do you think it's like a full chest or back piece?" Her eyes are wide and she's obviously in love with the idea of my tattooed teacher.

"He's my teacher Chris, I was trying NOT to look at it." I explain.

Christina rolls her eyes and says, "he's not your teacher. He's a student just like you. He's barely older than us." She reminds me. "Let's see if Mr. Hotness has a LinkedIn." She says pulling out her phone. "There he is! I told you so, he's only three years older than us, he graduated high school the same year as Tobias." I groan at the mention of Tobias' name. I dated him after Al and he has somehow managed to stay friends with all of my friends. Our relationship is another casualty of my phobia, and while he's moved on to another girl and I'm happy for him, it still makes me hate myself for this fear even more. "Sorry," Christina realizes she's hit a nerve, "but seriously it's not like he's your dad's age."

"What's the point. Even if there was a snowball's chance in hell that he were interested, which is unlikely, I'd just freak out when he tried to do anything other than kiss me anyway." I shake my head and ask for a change of subject as I stab at my uneaten grilled chicken.

Christina's rattling on about her fashion design final and I'm trying to listen when movement by the door catches my attention. I lift my eyes to see the exact person I just told Christina five minutes ago I didn't want to think about.

Al was one of the first friends I made in college, after Christina, and we spent most of freshman year inseparable. That is until one night just before the end of the last semester we were all at a party and Al and I started to make out. It felt amazing to kiss someone I trusted so much, until he shifted my weight back onto the bed and started to crawl over me running his hands up my legs. At that moment I had my first ever panic attack which resulted in me hysterical crying, throwing up on him, and him needing to explain to his RA why there was a frantic girl in his room so late at night.

"Tris!" I'm pulled from the horrible memory by Christina's worried voice and I realize that panic has set in my shirt collar is soaked and my throat is dry. I try desperately to shake it off but my fingers and toes are tingling and realize that seeing Al after a day spent thinking of my fear has pushed me over the edge.

All I can manage to say is , "Al."

Christina's head spins around and Al realizes he's been spotted. He starts to make his way towards Christina and I saying my name, in that pleading pathetic way he's adopted over the last three years every time he sees me, and I feel the room begin to spin. Christina is on her feet and pulling me towards the door. When we get into the hallway I can't go very far before I need the support of the wall. I slide down and before I can stop them the tears start to run from my eyes and my entire body starts to tremble as if it's below zero in the hallway. I keep my eyes trained on the linoleum floor tiles and their uneven seams as Christina squats next to me and rubs my back.

"Is everything ok?" A too familiar voice says.

I hear Christina start to say, "Fuc... Oh Mr. Coulter I'm sorry she's just uh." She stumbles to recover from almost telling a T.A. to fuck off and is trying decide what to say. When I feel her hand leave my back I look up.

"She's just having another panic attack." He says to Christina a little rougher than is really necessary.

I don't appreciate him speaking to her like that and I start to stand up to tell him so, "back off Eric she's helping me." I'm on my feet again and while I'm not entirely steady enough to push off the wall I'm not freaking out anymore.

"I'm sorry." He says to Christina, " can you give Tris and I a minute?"

Christina shoots him a look as if to say 'yeah right,' but I put my hand on her shoulder. "It's ok Chris, I'll meet you at the door in five minutes." Christina looks Eric over almost menacingly before she squeezes my shoulder and walks away turning around half way down the hall to give him one last warning look. "Don't mind her she's a little over protective when I have these moments." I try to laugh it off as I drag my sleeves over my cheeks to dry them.

"Do these 'moments' happen often?" He asks.

"Don't do that." He looks at me as if he's going to ask what I'm talking about so I go on. "Don't try to analyze the situation like that."

"I'm just trying to figure out why one second you were having dinner with your friend and a second later you were shaking like a leaf and completely unresponsive until you needed to be dragged out of the room to collapse in private." He says leaning on the wall next to me at a safe distance. I inwardly thank him for not getting too close to me in this moment. "Anything to do with that lumbering weird kid that tried to follow you out here?"

"He tried to come out here?" I ask.

"His friend told him to 'let it got, she had her chance' whatever that means. "

"I don't want to talk about it." I snap.

"Clearly," he drawls, "does he have anything to do with why you're afraid to be touched by men."

"Don't pretend to know me." I bite out as I push myself off the wall.

"Just a trained observer. Your smart mouthed friend can touch you with no problem, when I touched your elbow after class you looked as if I'd burned you, and you asked about fear of base human needs. It doesn't take a genius to add the factors." He explains.

"I'm not afraid to be touched by men." I say because it's true. He lifts an eyebrow in challenge,and as I look at him closer I see that he's got two small open holes above his right eyebrow. "Is your eyebrow pierced?" I ask.

"Don't change the subject," he chastises.

"I'm not afraid to be touched. I'm afraid to be touched in a certain way." I feel the blood rush to my cheeks at just the thought of saying 'sexually'.

"Because of the doofy looking idiot inside."

"No, I just learned about it with him." I admit.

"I didn't exactly touch you in any specific way," he says clearly confused.

"It's complicated," I mumble.

"It's called Genophobia." Eric says in his clinical voice.

I roll my eyes before I say, "I don't really care what it's called." I pull my shirt sleeves down and cross my arms over my chest.

"It's in your text book. It's not entirely uncommon in women your age." He's lecturing.

"I have to go meet Christina. Thanks for the diag-nonsense." I feel guilty for snapping at him, but I really don't need confirmation of how fucked up I actually am.

Im thinking there's another four parts to this story. Desensitization therapy is generally three phases with the last phase taking a long time. So I thought it might work out as a five chapters after I added diagnosis and the conclusion. I hope you all like it, dardarbinx101 especially. Leave a review let me know how I did!

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	2. Zero to Ten

**A/N thank you to everyone that reviews! I hope this next part doesn't disappoint!**

I lied when I told Eric I didn't care what my fear was called and I was secretly grateful he had told me I could find it in my text book. After spending the walk home giving Christina a full play by play of what happened after she left I locked myself in my room for the night with my book and my laptop researching Genophobia. The more I read the more I realize that it's not exactly right. Genophobes are afraid of sex, just the actual act of sex, I'm afraid of anything related to sex. It's called Erotophobia, I try to find it in my text book but it's not there. I'm limited to what I can find on google and it's really all the same information over and over. Just reading about what I'm afraid of is starting to make me shaky and I turn off my computer before I set myself over the edge.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

I'm in the library Wednesday after classes pulling articles on Erotophobia from the Psychology peer reviewed archives and wasting all of my copy/print points. When I have a stack of articles to read I find a quiet corner table to hide and set myself to figuring this out. Most of what I find is more political in nature, how the term is thrown around as a dig at conservatives.

I find one that explores the cause of this fear and I am interested to see what it says. I'm halfway through the methodology, I understand the research format but I am struggling to understand some of the more advanced psychology terms, when a deep voice interrupts my concentration.

"Did you change majors?" It's Tobias. His navy blue eyes scan the print out I'm reading and he looks at me curiously. "That's not Veterinary Medicine."

I'm suddenly very embarrassed to be caught reading these articles and I start to shuffle the papers into a pile. "I'm taking Abnormal Psych, we're covering phobias." I defend.

Tobias slides into the chair opposite me and laughs, "and you just happen to be covering the exact fear you have?"

"Oh look at the time, I have class," I lie shoving everything into my bag. My hands are starting to shake. Tobias with his hypnotizing blue eyes looking at me, and his perfectly tanned skin highlighted by his fitted white t-shirt, are proving to be too much for me. I can feel my stomach turning at just the memory of his large rough hands tracing the skin above the waistband of my jeans before they splayed out over my sides. I have to shake the memory from my mind before the same full on panic I experienced that day starts again.

I'm just getting my heart rate under control when Tobias reaches out a hand to hold my wrist. I know he feels my pulse excelerate and it's not likely he can miss the sudden drenching sweat that breaks out over my skin, "Tris relax it's just me, you know I won't hurt you." His voice is wounded, he's always taken it so personally.

"I never," deep breath, "said you would," another slow inhale but the last word is choked. I'm in full on panic. I need to get away from him and out of this library. I wrench my arm free and grab my bag trying to keep my pace reasonable as not to attract attention. I keep my head down and just walk. I make it out of the library, through the fire doors, and into the fresh air of the back lawn of the library. I keep walking until I'm face deep in a broad chest. I feel two strong hands take my shoulders and any sense of calm I had gained was lost. I could see the tattoos at his wrists and the smell of cologne was distinct and familiar.

"Slow down Tris." He says. He must feel the tension in my shoulders because he ends his contact with me quickly, as soon as he's sure I won't fall over, with a mumbled, "sorry."

I don't speak I just keep my eyes trained on the grass at my feet and focus on slowing my breathing and my heart rate. I've never had this many panic attacks in two days before. These three men are going to kill me.

Eric's voice breaks my concentration, "We really need to stop meeting this way." He shoves a hand into his back pocket and ruffles his un-done hair.

I push my sweaty hands into my hoodie pocket and give him a weak smile. "I need to go." I mumble with my head still down. I can't look at him right now he's in jeans and a tight fitting blue t-shirt, and grey sneakers. I'm afraid if I look him in they eye right now I'll combust.

"Tris, I know you're having another one. Can you look at me please?" He asks but I shake my head. I hear him sigh and then I see his feet shift back and forth uncomfortably. Before I can say anything I hear the doors slam open and Tobias yelling my name.

I lift my head and drop it backwards to look at the sky. This day can not get any worse. I force out a calming breath and manage to look Eric in the eye. His eyes, deep grey and piercing, are fixed on me. "Let me guess," he starts.

"I'd rather you didn't," I tell him, "give me a second." I turn to see Tobias closing in on us a furious look on his face.

"Tris you know I hate it when you do that." He scolds me.

I nod and say, "and you know I hate it when you speak to me like a child."

I can see in his face that he's going to say it and I'm at a loss as to how to stop him, "then stop acting like one," what a dick, "You can't just run away because I ask you a question."

"I didn't run away, I told you I had someplace to be." I respond.

"I can see that. Hi Eric," Tobias says with a nod in Eric's direction.

"Four." Eric responds in an icy tone.

I look between them, "you know one another?"

"We played hockey together our freshmen year." Tobias says.

"Until Four got us both thrown off the team." Eric says.

"You're that Eric?" I ask.

He nods and Tobias does too, before asking, "what are you doing with him Beatrice."

"Don't call me that, and he's my Abnormal Psych T.A." I say realizing too late that admitting that may be a bad idea now that I've used that class to justify my unusual reading material.

"Oh really." He steps closer to me protectively. "Does he have anything to do with why you're suddenly so interested in ridding yourself of your aversion to intimacy?"

I feel the fire in my cheeks despite the chilly air and I'm almost positive that I'm going to throw up. I manage out a meek unconvincing, "no," as I drop my eyes to the grass.

Tobias shakes his head and tells me in a clear paternal tone, "you need to be careful Tris," before he stalks past us bumping his shoulder into Eric's as he strides away. All I can see is the tendrils of the flames tattooed up his back licking at his neck.

"You've got a thing for big and dumb don't you?" Eric breaks the awkward silence. "So you told him you're looking into your phobia? Hoping to get him back?"

"More like he read over my shoulder, and don't let his girlfriend hear you say that she's unnecessarily jealous." I tell him pulling my hands through my thick blonde hair and pushing it over my left shoulder.

Eric laughs lightly and fidgets with his watch. "Look, I know you don't want to talk about your fears with me but you should talk to someone. You're kinda missing out on one of the best parts of college."

"It's not Genophobia," I blurt out.

He smiles, "no it's not. I told you that because Erotophobia isn't in the text, it's a bit more advanced, and I knew you'd figure it out."

"So what do I do to make it stop?" I ask him adjusting my bag across my chest and looking at my sneakers.

"That depends who you ask." He says. "Can we go somewhere else to talk about this? It's freezing." he points towards the student union, "coffee?" I nod my agreement.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Eric slides a paper coffee cup across the table to me and sits in the arm chair beside the one I've chosen. We're tucked into the back corner of the coffee shop. It's late in the day and it's empty here, "Thank you," I say as I play with the cardboard band around the cup. "So my problem, how do I make it go away?"

He smiles warmly at me and takes a deep drink from his cup. "You don't really, you just learn to go on despite it." He explains. "At least that's the theory I subscribe to. Some people think that if you spend years in therapy blaming everyone in your past, and twisting prior experiences to fit as the cause, then eventually you'll be cured. I don't think it really matters why you're afraid, it just matters how you deal with it."

"Reasonable enough." I say, "so how do I do that."

"First, you're going to need to find someone to help you." He says.

I look at him confused, "I thought that's what you were doing?"

He chokes on his coffee and for the first time I see him look disheveled. "You don't want me to help you."

"Seriously, you get me to look up all this crazy research and you're not even going to help me?" I snap at him.

"You don't understand what you're saying. You could get Four or your goofy ex to help you. I can tell you what you need to do once they agree but I'm not really an option." He's wiping the coffee off his mouth and checking his clothes.

"It's bad enough I am talking to you about this." I say, "I'm not talking to anyone else. It's you or no one."

Eric shakes his head. "Let me explain the process first. When I'm done then you tell me if you still want me to be the one to help you."

"Fine," I agree.

Eric sets his cup on the table and rests his elbows on his knees turning towards me. "It's called Desensitization. It's a therapy technique used to alleviate fears and anxiety through the use of systematic and intense exposure to the triggers. It's usually done in three stages with the first stage being one visit during which you identify your triggers in a hierarchy from least anxiety inducing to most. For you it may look something like an increasing scale of contact your baseline calm being normative conversation with someone you know and aren't attracted to and your redline anxiety would obviously be," I cut him off with a wave to say I got the point. He smirks and shakes his head before going on, "the second stage is a visit maybe two where you learn and master relaxation techniques. You've already got some pretty good deescalation skills so I don't see this taking long for you."

"So far it sounds like you're the perfect person for this." I tell Eric, "You already figured out my fears and you can teach me the relaxation stuff."

"Tris there's one more stage. This could take weeks, even months depending on the severity of your reactions," He explains, "and it's something that in your case is going to be very personal in nature." He looks at me expectantly but I don't understand.

"The third stage is actually facing each of the fears on your hierarchy, one at a time, over and over, while utilizing the relaxation techniques, until you don't have a panic attack." He looks at me waiting for the realization to set in.

"I'd have to," I can't say it out loud, "with you?" He nods. "I understand why you didn't want to help now."

"Don't take it that way." How does he seem to know what I thinking without me saying it? "I would absolutely," he holds back and it's obviously for my comfort, "with you. You're beautiful, but it needs to be someone you can trust completely and you don't even know me. You need someone who can recognize the symptoms of a panic attack and put the need to stop that before their own reactions."

I nod understandingly before I tell him, "you're a better option then either of them." He opens his mouth to protest but I lift my hand, "Al was one of my closest friends freshman year. We spent every day together he supposedly knew me better than anyone. I decided I wanted him to be more than a friend. One day we were at a party, I intentionally didn't drink just to make sure it was special, I let him bring me back to his room and we started to kiss. That's when I had what I know now was my first panic attack, racing heart, sweaty palms, and the room spinning. I tried to slow things down but Al was lost in his own little world and when he pushed me back on the bed and started to rub my thighs under my skirt I freaked out so badly I threw up all over him. He couldn't figure out why I was crying. So that eliminates bachelor number one."

Eric is looking at me completely dumbfounded, "you threw up?" I nod. "Four?"

"I met Tobias sophomore year. He was my first real boyfriend and my first attempt at letting anyone touch me after Al. It was better, he was definitely slower and more in tune with how my body was reacting. He also took it all very personally. It was like every mild panic reaction was a direct insult to him. One day I tried to hide my reactions, pass them off as excitement, until his hands slipped under my shirt and onto my ribs. I nearly passed out. Tobias was furious that I had tried to lie to him. He broke up with me on the spot. A week later he was with Lauren and he's been with her ever since. Thus eliminating bachelor number two."

I pull my lower lip between my teeth and look at Eric. "That leaves bachelor number three," time to be brave Tris, "the hot guy who actually understands what's wrong with me, and who recognized a mild panic attack from across a crowded lecture hall and was perceptive enough to figure out what caused the next one, and who understands a real way to possibly make it go away. Who would you ask to help you?" I look at him pointedly.

"Tris this is a massive undertaking. It's not just let's go back to my apartment and hook up. This is possibly weeks of intensely personal conversations for you, and a lot of physical contact. I'm essentially a complete stranger to you." He says leaning forward with his hands folded between his knees.

"I understand if you don't want me." I pick at my cuticles with my head hung.

"You completely glossed over the part where I told you you were beautiful and that I would, under normal circumstances, sleep with you." He says.

The knot in my throat starts and swallowing is difficult, I close my eyes and try to force it down. "Breathe Tris." I open my eyes and he's squatting in front of my chair. "Keep your eyes open, look at mine, and breathe." I do what he says. Trying to focus on the color of his eyes. They are definitely grey, deep breath in through my nose, there are small flecks of near black that dust the rims of his iris', let it out through my nose, they're actually quite beautiful. There's a warm hand on my cheek, keep breathing, his eyes seem to be searching my face for something, I bite my lip again and the hand on my cheek slides down so his thumb can release it. He's going to do what I think he's going to do, deep breath in, slow exhale, his eyes close and I let mine shut too.

Before I can think too much about the smell of cologne and coffee that invades my next calming breath his lips touch mine. There is no move to deepen the kiss and it's over in five seconds, I count them in my head. When it's over I open my eyes and he has removed his hand from my face and is squatting a safe distance in front of my chair again. "Tell me you're Ok. " He says.

I know he needs me to say it not just nod, he wants to hear my voice, "I'm Ok." It comes out calmer than even I expect, and it's not a lie. I don't feel any overwhelming sense of fear. Kissing itself has never been an issue, but I guess he needed to see that for himself.

"Good." He stands up and extends his hands to help me up and I accept them, letting him tug me out of the chair onto my feet. "I'll help you but you need to promise me you'll be perfectly honest about every feeling. No hiding the panic to get through and no saying you're ok when you're not."

I nod my agreement and when I realize he's still holding my hands I tug on them gently pulling him closer. "Thank you."

The corner of his lip pulls up into a smirk and he leans in to kiss my cheek. "Don't thank me yet."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Eric's apartment is six blocks north and two east of the one I share with Christina. She and I are in a two bedroom apartment over a bicycle repair shop, Eric's is in a much nicer studio in a complex. I'm sitting on his couch waiting for him to sit back down.

He hands me a bottle of water and sits down on the opposite side of the couch where he's got a pad of paper and a pen laid on the table in front of him. "Do you really need to write things down?" I ask him.

"I'm not writing anything specific, I promise I won't use you in my paper." He laughs. "It will just help to keep me on track and remind me what to look for later."

It's Saturday afternoon and I've told Christina Eric has agreed to help me study. I can't quite bring myself to tell her he's essentially agreed to have sex with me to cure my phobia. Eric explained that today is going to be a little difficult for me. We need to talk about what I'm afraid of specifically and then put it all in order of least scary to full on panic.

"I'm still not sure how this is supposed to help me." I tell him.

"Once we know what you're not afraid of, so far talking as long as you're not thinking about sex, and kissing, don't seem to bother you." He says as he writes those two points down. "We'll start with the talking I'm sure it's less triggering than physical. How do you feel talking about someone being attractive?" He asks.

"Like to Christina saying yeah that guys hot? Fine. Telling a guy he's hot? A little nerve wracking but I can do it without a problem." I explain.

"I assume your relationship with Christina makes things significantly easier, let's focus on you having to do these things with someone you're actually interested in." He tells me as he writes something down. "What about telling someone you want to kiss them." He asks.

I ring my hands I am thinking about telling him right now that he looks good in that shirt and I'd like to kiss him. "I'm not sure I would be that bold, but I could do it if I needed to." I say.

"You could do a lot of things if you needed to, and your brave enough to push through at least the first layers of fear, I need to know how you'd feel doing it. Let's try something else, I'll give you a scenario you tell me how anxious it would make you feel on a scale if zero to ten. Zero is no anxiety, ten is throwing up passing out panic."

"Ok. That's less than one," I say shrugging.

"Good, if you had to tell someone you wanted to touch them?" He asks.

"Two."

"Thinking of being naked alone?"

"Zero. I do shower you know." I tell him.

"Don't be cheeky. Thinking of touching yourself, for purposes other than hygiene?" He raises an eyebrow that now has a bar running through the two previously open holes.

"Four." I spit out. I've never done that, and I'm not sure I ever would. It seems extremely self indulgent. My parents also taught my brother Caleb and I that it was disgusting and sinful. I don't believe I'm going to be punished for eternity for touching myself but when you hear enough that something is disgusting you tend to avoid it.

"Why?" He asks pointedly.

"My parents Are extremely religious, and compnservative. Self satisfaction is selfish and disgusting to them, they drilled it into my brother and I from the time we were little that it as wrong." I explain.

"Makes sense that you would be uncomfortable with the thought, do you believe it's disgusting?" He asks with a look that shows he's not judging just fact finding.

"No, but I certainly wouldn't want to get caught doing it." I can feel my cheeks heat up.

"We'll move on for now. Relax." He makes a note and I'm tempted to look over at his pad. "Thinking about touching someone else beyond a casual handshake or friendly gesture?"

I am immediately back in the lecture hall picturing myself thinking about tasting Eric's tattoo, which is now more visible, but still not fully exposed, over the collar of his t-shirt. "Five."

"Why?"

"What if the other person rejects the touch, or if I do it wrong?" I say.

"Fair points, we can work on that." He says. "Thinking about someone going down on you?" I must look confused because he smiles and says, "getting oral sex?"

I feel the blood leave my face and I need to wipe my hands on my sweatpants legs for the first time today. "I've never thought about that."

"Well now that you are where's your anxiety?" He asks.

"Seven."

"Thinking about giving oral sex?"

"Seven." How is he so calm? My hands are sweating and I'm pretty sure it's ten degrees warmer than when I got here. I unzip my sweatshirt and pull it off my arms wishing now that I had worn a bigger t-shirt instead of a tight white v-neck.

"Do you need to take a break?" He asks.

"No it's just hot in here." I tell him.

"It's the same temperature in here as when you arrived Tris. You're getting anxious. I told you you needed to be honest with me about how you were feeling." He drops the note pad on the table and takes me sweatshirt from my hands tossing it on the back of the couch. "Take a few deep breaths and drink some water." He gets up and walks to the kitchen area pulling another bottle of water and taking a long drink.

I know in my current state watching him may be a bad idea but I can't help myself. He's in dark blue track pants with black lines down the legs and a fitted black T-shirt. His body is exactly as well built as I had assumed through his dress shirts and with the tattoos on his arms and neck he looks like a twenty five year old college student not my T.A. "Eric can you get into trouble for this?" I ask him. "I should have thought of that before I'm sorry."

He laughs as he walks back over, "you know I'm not a doctor right?" I nod. "You know I'm just a friend who knows a little about this stuff trying to help you out right?" Another nod,"do you expect me to falsify your grades in Doctor Matthews' class because of our friendship?" I shake my head. "Good because I intend to be harder on your papers since I know you're research skills are excellent. I also have no intention of using this in my thesis research so there's no concern there. So no I won't get in trouble. I may have to back out of your section of Abnormal Psych if you still expect me to help you with the last piece of this," he explains.

"I don't want you to have to do that." I say.

He smiles and pats my knee, "we'll worry about it when we get there. Feeling calmer?"

"I'm ok." I tell him honestly.

"These next few questions are going to get pretty intense. Tell me to stop if you need to. I need to trust that you'll stop me if you're too uncomfortable if we're going to do this." He says.

"I will I promise." I tell him.

"Same zero to ten scale of anxiety. Kissing a friend on the cheek"

"Zero."

"Kissing someone you're interest in on the cheek?"

"Less than one."

"Kissing someone you're interest in on the lips?"

I think back to Thursday in the coffee shop and Eric kissing me and I can't stop the smile it brings, "one."

His lips pull up in a half smile, I'm hoping at the same memory, "what if they try to kiss you more intensely?"

"Two." My fingers start to twist together.

"And if they were to hold you tightly or pin you against a wall?"

"Four?"

"Don't ask me, tell me. Think about it, someone's got you pinned to the wall with their body weight and they're kissing you intensely."

"Four." My hands are shaking and sweating but I can keep going.

"The same scenario, only they are touching your hips or your stomach over your clothes?" He's watching me for signs that it's too much.

"Solid five. Please don't ask why." I say taking slow deliberate breaths.

"Tell me you're OK?" He asks.

"Keep going." My voice is tight but even so he continues.

"I need to know why Tris." He says apologetically.

"It's just too intimate." I lie.

"The whole truth Tris."

"What if they don't like the way I feel, if my hip bones feel gross or my stomach is too soft." I feel tears behind my eyes. "I need to stop." I stand up abruptly and grab my sweatshirt pulling it on and wrapping it tight around myself.

"Don't do that," Eric says. I look at him curiously I'm not sure what he means. "Don't hide behind your clothes. They won't always be there and you'll have to manage."

The thought of my clothes not being there to hide behind sets me onto a whole other level of fear. I have never been naked in front of anyone since my mother stopped bathing me when I was a child. "What is it Tris?" Eric asks.

"The idea of you seeing me with my clothes off is definitely an eight."I try to laugh while I zip my sweatshirt up.

"Just me or anyone?" His voice is clinical he's not being flirty or forward he's still questioning me.

I drop back to my seat on the couch and let out a long slow breath, "Anyone I guess but right now especially you."

"We'll get to why I make it worse in a second, first why anyone?" He asks.

"Please, I look like a twelve year old boy not a twenty two year old woman. I can only imagine the girls you've been with. You're, well you're practically fucking perfect and I'm sure the girls you've been with are perfect." It all comes out easier than I expected and he's watching me.

"No one is perfect Tris. What does it matter what the other women look like? Would you compare me to Al or Four?" He asks.

"No," I look away.

"We're getting off task a little here but I think you need to hear something. Stand up," he instructs before getting up himself.

I stand up and look at him, "what are we doing?"

He takes the zipper of my hoodie and slides it down while simultaneously bringing me a step closer to him. I keep my eyes on his trying to figure him out. He bites his bottom lip looking at me for permission to keep going and I nod. He releases the zipper completely and moves to push it off my shoulders. I shrug it off and cross my arms over my chest looking away. He puts one finger on my jaw and makes me keep the eye contact. "I know you don't see it, but you really are beautiful Tris. I didn't just happen to notice your panic attack in class by chance. I spend most of the class looking at you more often than not." He's closer than I would expect to be comfortable with but I don't feel scared yet. "I want to be the one to help you, can you let me help you?" He pushes my hair behind my ears and I bite my lip. "Are you ok?" I nod. "If I told you I wanted to kiss you again?"

"Three," I answer him quietly.

"Why?" His hands are on my shoulders and I look at his eyes trying to use the same focus that got me through that day in the coffee shop.

"What if you don't like it?" I manage to get out.

"I've already done it and it's all I've been able to think about since. That's not going to be a problem." He leans in so that his nose is brushing mine.

"What if you want it to go further and I freak out?" My voice is a shaking disaster and I am hating myself for it.

"I don't want anything more from you than a kiss, I promise." I tip my head up so that our lips are almost connected and I feel him speak more than I hear him, "tell me you're ok."

I close my eyes and take a long deep breath he's right he's done this before and he wants to do it again I must not have been terrible at it. "I'm ok." I whisper. His lips touch mine and I feel my arms fall from across my chest. His hands were still at my shoulders but when his lips touched mine he let them fall, I'm assuming to minimize the contact and make me feel comfortable. My hands find his and I lace our fingers together. He's still kissing me after ten normal heart beats and I suddenly feel brave. I part my lips just enough to take his bottom lip between them and I apply the slightest suction. His lips are full and soft and I can taste a whisper of peppermint gum.

I let myself move forward half a step and his hands squeeze mine as he pulls back breaking the connection between our lips but holding onto my hands. When I open my eyes I see that his are trained on me looking for any sign of a panic attack, "that was good, I'm at less than one." I tell him smiling.

He smiles back a full genuine smile with perfectly straight white teeth and his lips subtly pink from the attention they've received. "That was really good, I'm at a three."

I look at him curiously, "why?"

"You're better at that then you let on, I may not be good enough for you." He tugs me closer before releasing my hands to run his thumb over my bottom lip. "I think we've gotten far enough for today, and Christina will be wondering where you are. Can I walk you home?"

"I'd like that," I admit. He smiles another brilliant smile and places a kiss to my forehead.

I am not happy with all of what happened this afternoon, I wish I hadn't needed to make him stop, but if every afternoon we spend together ends with Eric holding my hands and kissing my forehead so gently I may actually survive this.


	3. Relaxation

**a/n so this chapter kind of got away from me. It's longer than I expected but I couldn't find a good place to cut it. I had to label the texts with initials for now. I will go back and change it to bold/italic when I'm not using my iPad to get this up.**

 **Let me know what you think. I own nothing and outfits are on polyvore.**

"Christina I don't want to talk about it." I say for what feels like the hundredth time since I got home from Eric's. "He helped me study."

"You spent an entire afternoon with Mr. Hotness, alone in his apartment, and all you did was study; and then he walked you home and gave you the most incredibly sweet hug? I call bullshit my friend and you know I'm the human lie detector."

Christina pulls two beers from the fridge and puts them down on the table where I'm laying out paper plates for pizza. She is known to all our friends as the lie detector because she doesn't lie, ever, and she can always tell when she's being lied to.

"Can we leave it at, 'I'm not ready to talk about it yet?' Please?" I beg her, if she keeps going I'm going to cave and tell her everything and I'm just not ready for that.

She scrutinizes me for a minute and after biting the inside of her cheek she smiles, "that will only buy you so much time. If you keep hanging out with him I'm going to want answers." She drops into the chair opposite mine at the table and tips her bottle to me, "to Tris keeping secrets."

I tap the neck of my beer against hers and we drink. I love Christina and I know she would never judge what I'm doing with Eric, but I kind of like having a secret with him. "The hug was pretty sweet, wasn't it?" I joke and she throws a wadded up napkin at my face.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Caleb I understand you're upset with dad but you can't really expect me to have dinner alone with them, they will eat me alive," I whine into the phone.

My brother Caleb and I both left home at the same time for college. He's older than me but he took a year off to do volunteer and community service work, and when reality set in for my parents that they would go from having two children at home to an empty nest in one weekend it was a shock. Our mother took it better than we expected, volunteering more with the church and spending more time making clothes for the homeless, our father decided to take it out on Caleb every chance he got. Caleb chose to go to college at the school our father went to, and to major in political science just like him, however instead of my father being thrilled he's just put a ton of pressure on Caleb to be the model student. Last week Caleb got a ninety eight on a Government Policy exam and my dad told him how disappointing it was that he missed a question. So the monthly dinner our parents travel into the city for on the last Saturday of every month is now dangerously close to becoming a solo mission and I can't have that.

While my father is much easier on me about my grades and school; he's not so easy on me about my choices in living situation, friends, or clothing since I left home. My mother agrees with my father out loud, but I can see it in her face sometimes, and in her subtle smiles when I talk about my independence, that she is actually a little happy for me.

Caleb still refuses to cave and I am forced to resign myself to having dinner alone with my parents, and my lovely brother has also tasked me with informing my parents that they will only need to make a reservation for three.

"Fine, but you owe me like there is no tomorrow." I tell him angrily.

He thanks me and calls me Bea. He and my parents refuse to accept that I much prefer being called Tris.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

My Sunday evening chat with Caleb makes it near impossible to sleep and Monday morning when the alarm goes off at 6:45 all I really want to do is roll back over and pass out. Instead I drag myself out of bed and into the shower. I'm out the door and halfway to class when my phone starts vibrating in my pocket.

E- So I was thinking...

It's Eric and the thought of him making the face he does when he's concentrating makes me smile. I use this opportunity to try and be flirtatious.

T- Really? I hope you didn't hurt yourself.

E- Cute... But seriously, I think I'm going to talk to Dr. Matthews today and tell her that I'm going to need to back out of T.A.-ing your class.

T- Are you sure this isn't an inconvenience?

E- It's fine Tris, I'm still doing every other class.

T- I'm sorry.

E-I'm not. Busy tonight?

T- I'm done with labs at 4:45 and I've got some homework but nothing too involved why?

E- I was wondering if you wanted to grab dinner off campus so we could talk a little?

T- Don't take this wrong, I don't want to do what we're doing in public.

E- We don't have to talk abut that. I'm assuming there's more to you than just your fear.

T- Sometimes I wonder. We can do dinner. There's a great Peruvian place not far from my apartment.

E- I'm not an adventurous eater.

T- Don't be a pansy

E- How old are you?

T- Shut up. My apartment at 6:30?

E- See you then.

I'm standing outside of my first class and I should go in but first I need to recruit Christina's help. I send her a text I know will get her attention.

T- I have a date. Tonight 6:30 classes end at 4:45 be ready to help.

Christina is off on Mondays. I don't know how she managed that schedule but today I'm grateful.

C- That's not enough time. Bail on your lab you're already way ahead anyway.

T- How ugly am I?

C- Not ugly at all, but this is a Monday date with the hot T.A. It's gotta be big.

T- How do you know it's Eric? And he didn't use the word date exactly so don't get too crazy.

C- I'm on my way out to shop.

T- Do not go crazy!

C- I have connections remember!

T- Fine, but remember I'm Anne Hathaway not Miley Cyrus

Christina's majoring in fashion design and has one of the most magnetic personalities ever. She's also working her way through school as a stylist for some of Chicago's Elite. It certainly has it's perks, like the fact that she knows every boutique owner in a four mile radius, and they all give her stuff for free or dirt cheap, because she sends her clients to them. Her rewards have amassed into what is certainly an impressive wardrobe that both of us share. I've got my own more casual clothes and she's got some crazy stuff, but we share the good stuff.

She does however have a habit of trying to make me into someone I'm not whenever I let her play dress up. So I need to keep her at bay.

T- If I approve of what you pick I will tell you why I'm spending time with Eric.

C- Anne Hathaway circa Devil Wears Prada, post Stanley Tucci make over. Got it.

T- No Channel!

C- You're no fun.

T- It's too stressful wearing stuff that expensive. I'm going to class

C- Home no later than 4:00 if you want to look good.

T- I will be home at 5:00, I'll have to settle for not hideous.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

I find it almost impossible to concentrate the entire day and when it's time to go to my last lab I decide Christina was right. I'm already two entire lab periods ahead of the rest of my class and I won't be any good with a scalpel today anyway. I turn in the opposite direction and start walking home.

When I get to the apartment there are clothes everywhere and I can hear Christina digging through my drawers. "Chris?" I call out walking into my room.

"Oh thank god you're home. Where is all your sexy underwear?" She asks coming out of my dresser with the basic black under garments I usually wear held up.

"I'm afraid of sex, why would I wear sexy underwear?" I say yanking my intimates from her grip and shoving them back in the drawer.

"No one needs to see it, but it makes you feel sexy, which translates to confident." Her tone suggests I should know this already.

"Chris, I'm wearing my normal underwear. Accept it and move on." I tell her.

She grabs my hand and drags me out to the living room where she's got a rolling rack of clothes set up. I start to push through the hangars shaking my head as I see the things she's picked. Skin tight, insanely short, and then I come across a dress that appears to be cut to the navel, "Christina? Who is this supposed to be for? I don't have the chest, abs, or nerve for this." I hold up the dress.

"You have everything that dress needs," Christina says, "you just don't know it."

I come across a top that actually looks nice. "I like this." I say pushing the other tops away from it. It's a light aqua blue and it looks loose but not baggy.

"I knew you'd go for that. I got it at the little place just off campus with the velvet walls, that woman LOVES you." She explains as she starts to pull other clothes and accessories, "you go shower, by the time you're done I'll have this sorted out. Don't get your hair wet it will take forever if you do."

When I'm showered I put on my boring black underwear and sit on the bed as Christina instructs. She starts to pull sections of my hair over a curling iron as she starts to ask me questions. "So I picked a Tris approved outfit, spill the details about you and Mr. Hotness."

I take a solid breath and as she lets a warm curled section of hair fall over my bare shoulders I start to tell her. "He's agreed to help me try to get rid of my fear." I tell her.

"How?" I can't see her face but I know her well enough to know she's got a skeptical scowl.

I explain the desensitization process like Eric did, and by the time I'm done she's spraying my hair with hair spray. I stay seated until I hear Christina laugh. I turn around and ask her what's so funny. She is dropping my phone back on the bed, I didn't even see her pick it up. "Nothing." She says laughing. "Just checking the time let's get you dressed."

Just as I lose another battle over six hundred dollar shoes there's a knock on the door. Christina runs to answer it as I'm pulling on the black leather jacket she's chosen. I hear her greeting him and then him thanking her with a small chuckle. I realize the living room looks like a clothing store has exploded and as he looks around I feel the heat color my cheeks. He laughs lightly and offers me a soft "Hi," as he lowers his head to kiss my cheek, "you look really pretty."

"Thanks to Christina." I smile.

"I thanked her already, but she can't take credit for everything." He laughs.

"How did you know to thank her?" I ask confused. He shoots Christina a confused look before pulling the phone from his pocket.

"I guess you weren't part of sending this then," He hands me the phone with a text from me open, but I didn't send him anything. I look closer and it's a picture of me from behind when Christina was done with my hair, still in my underwear sitting on the bed with my legs pulled up. You can't see anything but it's still more than any guy has ever seen of me. The text reads, you can thank me later -Christina

I look at Christina pointedly and she is laughing hysterically, "just checking the time?" I ask. I turn to Eric, "I'm so sorry that's not how I am, I would never." Christina disappears into her room after a rushed have fun you two.

"You do not need to apologize for that." He smiles, "I was actually thinking she was helping me help you. And it is a really hot picture, I'll delete it if you want."

"You think it's hot?" I think I look pasty and my lack of curves is evident.

"You don't?" He takes the phone back and stands next to me so we're looking at it together. I shake my head and look up at him to avoid looking at myself. "You really have no idea how others see you do you?" His eyes search my face for a minute before he lowers his lips to mine quickly. "Look at it again and let me tell you what I see and you can tell me what you see ok?"

I shrug and look down at his phone. "I guess my hair looks good," I admit.

He shakes his head, "your hair looks amazing but it's by far the least impressive thing about this picture. It hides just enough of you to make it interesting. What about your skin?" He asks.

"Pasty," I say.

"Not at all. Porcelain."

"I don't want to do this," I tell him abruptly hitting the lock button on his phone, "we weren't doing this tonight remember, Peruvian food and non-fear talk."

He slides his phone into his pocket and gestures for me to lead the way. I yell good bye to Christina and lock the door after pulling it shut.

Standing in front of the restaurant Eric looks at me and says, "you're sure this is good?"

I laugh and pat him on the shoulder, "Christina and I eat here at least once a week."

"I've seen you in the dining hall almost all semester don't you two cook?" He asks holding the door for me.

"I do, but not often, I've been busy with school. Christina isn't as busy right now, but she's a danger to herself, and others, in the kitchen. So we eat out," I explain.

We're greeted with big smiles from Mrs. Vargas, who owns the restaurant, she pulls me into a warm hug and then holds me out to look me over. I don't usually come in here dressed like this or with this much make up on. She smiles and says, "always so pretty, today perfection! Where is Christina?" She asks.

"Home most likely, unless she went to Will's." I tell her.

Mrs. Vargas smiles wide, "that boy is so polite, and cute!" Her sweet old lady facade drops and her voice is more suspicious as she says,"this one's new." She points to Eric turning her attention to him. He looks at her and then me as if for help, "did you explain the rules?" She asks.

"Not yet," I'm supposed to explain the rules BEFORE I bring new people in.

"I'll forgive you this once since you seem distracted, he is a rather pretty distraction, and he seems less moody than the other one." Eric looks at me questioningly, and I hold up four fingers.

"I am definitely less moody than the last one." Eric assures her with a smile.

"We'll see about that. Now our sweet little beauty over here neglected to tell you that coming here entails four rules. If you intend to stay or return you will follow them." She gestures for us to follow her to the table Christina and I always take and lets us sit. "Rule number one, she is a lady and at least while you are here,preferably always, you will respect her. You will open doors, say please and thank you, and you will keep your hands to yourself."

Eric smiles and raises his pierced eyebrow at the last piece. "Most of that will not be a problem."

She gives him a look but continues, "Rule number two, no cursing. The loud one forgot that once and it cost her two weeks." Mrs. Vargas says.

He looks confused so I explain, "Christina was fighting with Will one night, she dropped the "F" word and got us banned for two weeks."

Mrs. Vargas nods and continues, "rule number three, there's no discussion of religion or politics." Eric nods his agreement and smiles at me.

"Rule number four is the most important," Mrs Vargas says, "your first time here you try everything I give you and you don't complain." She walks towards the kitchen to start the fun. She wants people to experience the best of Peruvian food their first time here not just order what looks safe.

Eric looks terrified. "It's ok Eric," I assure him, "she won't bring you anything crazy."

I look over the menu and decide on civiche, fish marinated in citrus until the acid cooks the fish, and Anticuchos, beef on a stick, with Aji sauce. I know that Mrs. Vargas will send Inca Kola it's her favorite thing to watch people try. It's this yellow soda that's so caffeinated and sugary that more than a sip or two will keep you up for days, and it tastes like too sweet bubble gum.

Once we've ordered and Eric has tried his soda, which he is visibly confused by, we are finally alone.

"You realize your relationship to the restaurateur is disturbing don't you?" He asks after sipping his water.

I laugh because normally I would agree, but we have a good reason to be so close to Mrs. Vargas, "she lives in the apartment next to mine. She's all alone most of the time, Christina and I spend time with her in the evenings."

"That makes this entire situation a little less strange," Eric's smile is contagious and I watch as his teeth graze his lower lip. It brings the memory of his lips on mine and my brazen act of sucking on that same lip. My face must give me away because Eric asks, "what are you thinking about that's got your cheeks flush?"

I shift my gaze to my hands on the table and say, "nothing I was just remembering something. So tell me something about you that I don't already know." I need to divert the attention.

"I'll give you just that one Tris, we had a deal no covering things up," he reminds me.

"That's only when we're working on that problem. We're out doing first date-ish things, girls hide thoughts on first dates." I tell him. His reaction to this being called a date will let me know what he thought it was.

"Technically, it's our second date. Coffee after the library remember? I kissed you that should count." He explains playing with the straw in the syrupy yellow soda.

"That was a consult for problem solving." I tell him relieved taking a small sip of my own soda, why I have to drink this stuff again I'll never know but without fail a small glass always finds it's way in front of me.

"Fair enough. So your first date question is really asking me for some small piece of information you don't already know?" He asks.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Fair enough, my middle name is Michael," He says.

"Mine is Sarah. Now give me something with substance."

He rolls his eyes and smiles, "I'm deathly allergic to bee stings. Like Epi-pen carrying, call EMS allergic." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an Epi-Pen as proof.

"Better," I tell him.

Just as I'm about to tell him what I'm allergic to our food comes out and Mrs. Vargas comes over to tell Eric what he's eating. She's kept it really un adventurous if you ask me but Eric still looks scared. We get him through a bit of everything on his plate and even some of mine.

The rest of dinner is a mishmash of 'getting to know you' questions and answers and it's nice to just talk to him about normal things. I've told him about Caleb, he has a younger brother Caleb's age, and about my plans for an uncomfortable dinner next weekend. He tells me about working with Doctor Matthews and how it's going to push his career so much farther than most people his age. He tells me about his parents and his family's over active Dalmatian, Spot, whose name he insists he had no part in.

When dinner is done I try to pay the check since it was my idea to come here, but he refuses to allow me to even tip the waiters. "Not a chance. My mother would have my head if I let you pay for anything on a first date." He laughs.

"Your mother is a smart woman." Mrs. Vargas interrupts, "handsome boy, you go outside we need a moment of girl talk. I promise to return her to you."

Eric laughs and heads outside with a small nod towards me. I turn to Mrs. Vargas and she is smiling, "that boy, I like him much more than the last one."

"I think he's a good guy Mrs. Vargas." I tell her as she pats my cheek.

"You'll bring me pretty blonde haired blue eyed babies to spoil someday, and I will feed them well and tell them all about Peru." She is beaming ear to ear.

I swallow thickly I'm still deciding if I'll let him kiss me tonight, there's no thought of babies or futures for me. "Mrs. Vargas it's our first date. Will you be satisfied if I just bring him back once or twice?"

"You'll see," she laughs and hugs me. "Don't keep him waiting too long now."

She ushers me towards the door and just as I'm about to push it open it swings towards the street, and Eric is standing there waiting, "smart boy," she laughs, "enjoy your walk home."

It's starting to get cooler now that the sun is fully down and I pull my jacket tight around me. We talk about dinner and Eric's adventure in eating. There's small talk and he even takes my hand halfway through the walk back to my apartment. When we reach my door it's quiet and there's no light under the door. "Christina must have gone to Will's." I tell him as I unlock the door. "Do you want to come in for a drink? We've got a limited selection but I can assure you it's good."

He smiles and nods. I step into the dark apartment and thankfully the kitchen window is over the street and it lets in enough light that I don't trip over my own two feet in these ridiculous shoes. Once I've flipped on the light I see that the chaos from earlier has been contained to rolling racks and stacks of shoe boxes in the corner of the room. Some of this will go to Christina's clients but most of it will stay. "We're going to need a bigger apartment if she keeps this up," I say as I look for the box that is meant for these shoes.

"How does she pay rent?" Eric asks as he looks at the tags still hanging on some of the items.

"She's a stylist for some big time people," I explain, "she hasn't had to pay for most of this and what we have paid for we didn't pay close to retail." I realize I sound like Chris and have to laugh. "There's no way I would have paid six hundred dollars for shoes I can't even walk in," I tell him holding up the ones I've just slipped out of, "but sixty was pretty reasonable."

"You just walked through Chicago, in six hundred dollar shoes?" He asks me dumbfounded.

"Not without a fight. I did not dress myself today," I remind him.

He shakes his head and steps closer to me, now that my shoes are off I need to look up at him. He smiles down at me and plays with a curl from in front of my shoulder. "You look really good tonight, but I think I prefer the way you looked on Saturday." He pushes all of my hair back over my shoulders and I feel the blush creep over my cheeks. I dropped my jacket on the couch when we walked in and now my shoulders are exposed and this tank top suddenly feels revealing.

I need to break the silence and I need a little space so I remind him why he came in, "so we're beer girls for the most part but we have a small but impressive selection of the area's finest bourbon." I tell him. It's true Christina and I will drink beer over wine but we've both got an affinity for bourbon, especially Chicago's local boutique bourbon.

"Bourbon?" His face in this moment is priceless. Pierced eyebrow raised mouth pulled into a scowl and his head cocked just so as if I just told him we drink embalming fluid. "You can't be serious."

I laugh, this is not an unusual reaction. Taking his hand I lead him to the kitchen as he laces our fingers together. The kitchen is the cleanest room in your apartment seeing as it is barely ever used. I open the cabinet above the coffee maker and I watch his eyes scan the contents. The lower shelf is coffee cups and saucers, but his eyes travel up and there are rocks glasses in four different designs the next shelf up there are no fewer than seven bottles all filled with liquids in various shades of deep amber, none still sealed or full. He looks at it and back down at me eyes wide. "We don't pay for clothes, but we will pay anything for good bourbon." I laugh as I repeat Christina's mantra.

He smiles and starts to pull down the bottles. "This is impressive." He says when he's got them all laid out. "So which one is your favorite?" He asks me as he looks them all over.

"That's like asking someone to choose their favorite child," I joke as I look for the bottle that is my go to, "this one." I say as I pull it from the rest and hand it to him. He turns it over in his hands reading the pink label. He pulls the cork and goes to smell, "don't do that." I shake my head.

"Why? Is it that bad?" He asks laughing.

I take the bottle from his hand and put it down on the counter. I reach over him to grab a glass and as I'm bringing my arm down it brushes his chest and I try to keep myself from tensing at the contact. I look over my shoulder and he smiles at me. "If you smell it from the bottle it's going to smell like straight alcohol, you'll trick yourself into thinking it's stronger than it is." I explain as I set the glass down. "Neat or rocks?" I ask him.

"You seem to be the expert you tell me," he laughs.

Christina and I have been to all the local distilleries and the bourbon bars around Chicago. It's one of the few things we are both into so we spend a lot of time on it.

"What's your usual drink?" It's the first question I was asked by the bar manager who turned us onto this.

"Gin and tonic," He tells me leaning forward onto the counter to watch me.

"Rocks then," I turn to the sink and wash my hands before reaching into the freezer to pull out a small stainless steel dome, "ice waters it down this will chill it without diluting." I say when he looks at the object in my palm. I place it in the glass and then rest my cold hand on his cheek. He jerks back from the shock with a laugh.

"You're WAY into this," he says as I pour a small amount of the amber liquor over the stainless steel.

"Christina and I realized we were both into it so it's something we do together a lot." I say handing him the glass. "Now you can smell it."

He stands up straight and lifts the glass to his nose. His lips lift into a small smirk and he nods. "Definitely smells good."

I shake my head and reach for another glass. "I know, aren't you glad I didn't let you ruin it?"

He laughs and I pour myself a small amount, "no little metal ice substitute?" He asks.

"No I prefer to taste my liquor." I deadpan, "ice is for amateurs."

He looks at me shocked before starting to laugh, "ok. I'll remember this. To a perfect first date." He holds his glass out to me and I can't stop the blush that takes over my face, I tap my glass to his and we drink.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"You let him drink the Watershed?" Christina looks as though I've given her a million dollars. "That's like your holy grail."

"It's not that serious Chris. He'd never had bourbon and I wasn't going to give him the cheap stuff." I defend.

"The fact that you even showed him the cabinet on the first date is a bit surprising. Tobias didn't get to see it until the second month, and I don't think you ever even showed him the Watershed." She is shaking her head and smiling.

"He never asked what my favorite was." I shrug. "Can we focus please? I'm really pissed at you about that picture."

"It's not like it showed anything. Hell, you can't even see your tattoo." She says.

There is a feather tattooed over my Appendix scar on my right side it's not big or elaborate but it's pretty and it hides the scar. "I'm in my underwear Chris! The underwear you called ugly and boring!"

"And you still managed to make it look hot." She says as if that makes it all ok.

"You're impossible." I tell her. "No more surprise photo shoots please."

"Fine fine, so Mrs. V. Liked him?" Christina is over the moon about all of what happened on my date. Including the fact that for the first time I initiated the kiss. I just felt relaxed and comfortable talking to Eric. Teaching him about bourbon made me feel like, for once, I wasn't out of my element.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Class without Eric was weird, and I felt like Dr. Matthews was giving me strange looks but I'm sure that's all in my head. Thankfully it's Thursday and I've got plans with Eric to work on my relaxation techniques. I saw him this morning as I got to campus and he seemed excited to tell me that he had a gift for me tonight and that he was pretty sure it would help me with my problem. As I'm making my way to his apartment I look down at my clothes and wonder if I shouldn't have gone home to change. I have on distressed jeans and a hoodie with pink sneakers. I didn't put on make up and my hair is a disaster of a bun. It's too late now so I'll have to settle. Plus if I look ugly enough I won't have to worry about sex because no one will want me anyway.

I adjust my book bag across my chest and knock. Eric answers the door in a hoodie and jeans his piercing is out and his hair is not styled. He looks incredibly hot and it makes me fidget with my hands. He pulls me in with a broad smile and asks, "How was class?" He drops a quick solid kiss to my lips when the door is closed.

"Good I guess. Different now that you're not there." I say dropping my bag by the door and pushing my hands into my pockets.

"I just realized I can't do small talk right now. I'm too excited about what I've come up with." He's practically vibrating he's so excited and it's actually making me nervous.

"What's your idea?" I ask trying to keep my voice even.

"Come with me." He takes my sweaty hand and he must realize I'm nervous because he smiles, "to the kitchen." He looks me in the eye reassuringly, "we're talking tonight. Just talking."

When we're settled in the kitchen area he leaves me standing at the small island as he goes to one of the cabinets, "I have a little gift for you. Are you comfortable closing your eyes?"

I look at him for a minute, he wouldn't do anything to me with my eyes closed so I nod and let them slide closed.

When he speaks again it's from the other side of the island and I let out the breath I've been holding. I was a bit worried he would be next to me too close. "Ok open them." When I open my eyes there's a tall thin box in front of me, "open it."

"Eric what is it?" I ask.

"Open it and find out," he's wearing the biggest smile and it's obvious he's proud of himself.

I reach out to lift the lid of the box and my cellphone starts to ring. I would ignore it but it's the ring I've assigned specifically to my father. "I'm sorry it's my dad I have to answer it." I apologize to Eric. He looks disappointed but he shakes his head and tells me it's fine.

"Hi Dad, is everything ok?"

"Your mother just called and made a reservation for three." He tells me, I can hear in his voice he thinks this is a problem.

"That's right dad, Caleb isn't coming to dinner." I tell him.

"Would you care to tell me why?"

"I really can't tell you why dad, I don't know exactly. You should call him and ask. He got a ninety eight on his last policy exam, you should really call and congratulate him." My father doesn't know that I know he berated Caleb for that grade.

"That's a respectable grade but he's capable of perfection." He tells me sternly.

I can't keep the disappointment out of my face, "dad no one can be perfect, and he's working really hard. He's even taking three extra classes to graduate early with honors." I tell him knowing it's of no use.

"What about you Beatrice?" He asks, "are you behaving as a lady should? Have you gotten back together with Tobias yet? He's a good Christian boy, and you would be hard pressed to find better."

"I told you and mom last time that isn't going to happen. I'm not interested in him." I really can't have this conversation with Eric sitting right here. "Can we talk about this on Saturday I'm right in the middle of something important."

"Fine. Call your brother and tell him I expect him next month." He hangs up without a good bye and I'm left shaking my head in disbelief.

"Everything ok?" Eric is still standing opposite me and now he looks concerned.

I nod knowing if I tried to say anything my voice would reveal my lie. "Who aren't you interested in?" He asks pointedly.

"Tobias." I may as well be honest, "my dad doesn't exactly know the whole story so, all he thinks is that his too independent daughter ruined her chances at a good Christian husband to take her away from the nonsense of college."

Eric looks as disgusted as I feel about that thought. "We can do this another time." He offers.

"No it's ok. I'm really sorry." I put the phone down on the counter and shake my head.

Eric comes around and puts an arm around my shoulders and kisses my temple. I relax a little at the gesture of comfort and he goes back to his side of the counter. The confusion must be evident in my face because he explains, "I really want to see your face when you open this."

I shake my head and reach out for the top again. I lift it off and reach into the box. My hand feels the cool glass neck of a bottle and I wrap my fingers around it. I give him a sideways look as I pull it up. When I look at the bottle dangling in my hand I am in complete shock.

"Where did you?, Eric this is impossible to, it must have, oh my GOD! Do you even understand what this is?" I put the bottle down and the haunting face on the black and white label stares back at me.

This is a two year old, limited release, bottle of Delilah's house distilled bourbon. It was a $65 bottle back then when it was still available, to get this now would cost significantly more if you can even find it. Christina and I have been looking, and saving, for months for one; he managed to locate and purchase one in under a week. "How did you do this, and how does this factor into you helping me? Are we going to get ridiculously drunk so I'm not afraid? I've tried that with disastrous result. Christina is never going to believe you have this, can I take a picture?"

He's laughing at me with that insanely handsome smile and I'm taken back for a moment when he finally speaks, "You can do whatever you want with it, I don't have anything, that's yours." He points at the bottle, "and considering what it took to get it I'm certainly not going to advocate wasting it on drunken depravity."

I am now in complete shock, he just told me that this belongs to me. "I need to sit down." I take a picture and text it to Christina with the caption, make room in the cabinet. This is coming home with me, thanks to Eric. I put the phone down and I look between him and the bottle in total disbelief.

"Your reaction is better than I expected." His perfect white teeth are pulling his lip between he is teeth and he looks excited.

"I feel like saying thank you isn't enough. Eric, this is like the holy grail of Chicago bourbon." I tell him.

"The look on your face makes it all worth it. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into when I started looking for this, but you definitely just made it all worth it."

He's next to me now and I pull him towards me by his shirt. I offer a soft, "thank you," before tilting my head to kiss him. When I gently nip his bottom lip I feel the corners of his mouth turn up. He wraps his arms around my waste before he pulls his mouth from mine.

He runs his thumb over His bottom lip and smiles, "you're going to get me addicted to vanilla lip balm."

I feel the blush color my cheeks as I smile and shake my head. "So how is this supposed to help me relax?" I ask. "Since you said getting drunk wasn't the point?"

There's a look of pride as he starts to tell me what he's come up with. "You're going to tell me about it. Why it's so important, what it's all about, about the bar, I'm assuming you and Christina have been," I nod enthusiastically, "and then, we're going to drink a tiny bit because I need to know what the fuss is all about."

"I don't understand how this is supposed to help me," I admit.

"Just talk to me about what I just spent a week hunting down, and almost had to sell a kidney for, " He laughs.

"I can't tell you about that until I tell you about the bar." I explain.

"By all means." He gestures for me to continue.

So for the next hour I tell him about Delilah's on Lincoln Ave. The atmosphere, the people, and the building itself. Then I tell him how we met the manager, Tori, one night and she gave Chris and I our very first lesson in bourbon. I told him about why it became such an obsession for Chris and I when we realized we finally had something in common. We'd been friends since we were freshmen because we were roommates but we were into different things, this was something we could do together that we both enjoyed, not just did for the other person.

I went into detail about the distillation method Delilah's uses and what that does to the flavors. What gives the liquor it's perfect amber color and how the barrels impact the flavor.

When I feel like I've given him the best possible picture of why the bottle he's given me means so much I ask if he's got glasses, "and this time you drink it neat, the way it's meant to be." I tell him as he grabs two pint glasses from a cabinet. I make a mental note that rocks glasses and his first bottle of bourbon will be a good start to thanking him for this gift.

I look at him excitedly as I break the seal on the bottle and lift the stopper with a huge smile. "You're insanely cute right now," he says as I pour us each a little.

"You're insanely hot right now," I say as I hand him his glass and take my own. I wait and watch as he takes the first sip and let's it sit in his mouth like I taught him. He rolls his eyes and swallows when he realizes I'm watching him. "So? How is it?"

"Good," he looks at what's left in the glass, "different than the one the other night darker, I guess, I can't really explain it."

"Darker works," they used the same barrels for this that they use for milk stout, so it's got just a little bit of that beer finish." I tell him as I drink from my glass.

When we've both finished what is in our glasses I stopper the bottle and let myself stand closer to him. I like how he is taller and broader than me but I never feel small or intimidated in his presence. He is looking down at me with an unreadable expression and I can't resist the urge I feel to reach up and touch him. I don't feel scared or nervous just excited at the prospect of his lips on mine and I take advantage of my bravery.

My hand reaches up to push my nails over the soft short hairs at the back of his head and I pull him down to me. I see his grey eyes search my face for a split second before a smirk plays at his lips. I lift myself onto my toes and cover his lips with mine. I am hesitant but I can't identify why and instead of dwelling on that I allow my curiosity of what kissing him more deeply would feel like take over. I let my teeth graze his bottom lip and when he parts them slightly I tentatively let the ip of my tongue run against his bottom lip. He tastes of his gift to me and I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the need to kiss him more fully. I let my free hand find the front of his sweatshirt and pull him closer. I must knock him off balance because he drops one hand to the counter beside me to hold himself up. I slide my tongue further past his lips and his meets mine. I take a slow breath in through my nose and the smell of his cologne combined with the taste of his tongue on mine causes an involuntary moan to bubble up my throat and into his mouth.

I'm embarrassed at my own lustful reaction and I start to feel the fear set in just as Eric's hand finds my neck. His fingers behind my ear and his thumb on my jaw it suddenly feels like too much and I try to breathe in again. He must feel my heart rate at my pulse point and he breaks the contact.

"Tris it's ok." His hand is still on my neck but it's his fingertips at my pulse point I can feel my heart still racing and I'm trying to slow it down. His free hand takes the one I dropped from his hair and he puts my fingertips to his throat. "Feel mine, it's ok. My hearts racing too." I finally open my eyes and his are right there soft grey and comforting. "Look at me and breathe. That was perfect you are incredible." He whispers as I finally feel my heart slowing and my breathing regulate. His hand falls from my throat and I let mine drop too. "Tell me your ok?"

When I'm sure I'm not going to freak out anymore and my voice won't crack I say, "I'm ok. But I need to sit down."

He takes my hand and pulls me to the living room. We sit down on the couch and I pull my sweatshirt sleeves over my hands as I say, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You did so well." He smiles and pushes a story hair behind my ear.

"I panicked over a kiss," I protest.

"That was further than you've ever made it with me," he reminds me. "I think I may have been right."

I look at him confused so he continues, "I don't know if you even noticed Monday night, but you turned into a whole other person when we were in your apartment after dinner. Of course the fact that it was your apartment may have helped, we'll test that theory too, but it started really when you started talking about the bourbon. It was the craziest thing you went from the Tris I have seen all semester: self deprecating, unsure, and shy, to this magnetic, enthusiastic, confident person. You were completely in control,of my entire experience and you made me excited about what you were talking about. I came home and googled Chicago Bourbon bars, which is where the idea for your present hit me." He looks at me pointedly, "Tris you kissed me on Monday."

I look at him confused, "I kissed you twice before that."

He shakes his head with a half smile, "no you didn't. You kissed me back twice before. Monday night, you, kissed me, and it was incredible. You felt completely at ease."

I was just talking about that kiss this morning, "I was drinking."

"You drink bourbon regularly and you had less than an ounce, that did nothing to relax you. You were confident and relaxed, so you did something you wanted knowing I wouldn't reject the advance," He explains. "You were the same way tonight."

"So your theory is, essentially, that I need to give a bourbon lesson to every guy I want to sleep with?" I look at him like he's insane.

He looks visibly uncomfortable at the 'every guy' portion of what I say but it's a flash before his expression is back to normal. "No, I think you need to realize that you are of value to the person you're about to sleep with, that you offer something to the relationship they won't get from anyone else, and you need to know that they aren't going to reject you."

"For whatever reason you've got it in your head that people are doing you some sort of favor by spending time with you, that kissing you or touching you is some sort of unwelcome chore for the other person. There's more to it than that but I think that's a big part of it, you fail to see your worth in the situation." He is looking at me as though he's just put the definitive piece into a massive jigsaw puzzle.

I chew on my bottom lip contemplating what he's just said I suppose it makes a little sense, "what if I meet someone who doesn't like bourbon."

His face falls, I shouldn't have mentioned meeting someone else, but I know he's only helping me because it's interesting. He'll be gone when this is over it needs to translate to the next person or it's a waist of his time. His tone is sharper when he speaks again and it's off putting, "it's not about the subject matter. It's about how you feel about yourself when you talk about it. You need to feel that way all the time. Excited, knowledgable, and confident. You've got other hang ups too, like your parents and their conservative values, and I'm sure there's a fear of the unknown and the potential pain of actual intercourse." I nod. "All things you and I can get through. I need you to do me one favor though?"

"I owe you more than one favor," I laugh.

His face and his tone are still serious despite my joke, "you don't owe me anything, ever. I do have to ask that you stop talking about this as a means to an end with someone else. I am not doing this just to get you through your phobia. I want to be with you, stop talking about other people."

"I'm sorry. I thought you were just," I lose my own train of thought when he sakes his head and moves closer to me on the couch.

"I know what you thought, and you were wrong. Give me a little more credit than that."


	4. Testing Limits

I am SOOOO SORRY! for the delay. I accidentally deleted 3/4 of the chapter a few days ago and needed to re-write it all. Needless to say I was frustrated and needed to take a day to grieve the loss lol. Then on the re-read I realized I had him making her a drink with honey, big no-no for someone who's allergic to bee stings so I needed to find another drink for him to make. So anywho here it is. I hope it's at least worth the wait.

The bit at the end is specifically for a reviewer who mentioned it and I would love to call you out by name but I can't find the freakin review. But whoever it was that's there just for you!

Also my uncle owned a bar tending school and would be rolling in his grave if he caught wind. Of me suggesting putting the salt IN the drink and not on the rim. Don't do that... But it's typical lazy guy thought and Eric needed to be a little not perfect.

If you want the silly drink name/recipe let me know I will pass that along.

"Mom please just talk to him." I beg into the phone.

"I can try Beatrice, but you know your father once he's got something in his head it's near impossible to dissuade him," she's right but I need her to try so I threaten.

"If he brings him up I'm leaving. It's over, it's been over and we have both moved on." I look over to Eric who is sitting on the roof of my apartment with me. He's looking out over the city, he's pulled his hand from mine and clasped it with his other in front of him as his elbows rest on his knees. I should have known when my phone rang answering it would be uncomfortable. "I am in the middle of something really important mom, I will see you tonight."

"Please make sure you get on the four o'clock train, you know how your father hates when you're late, and try to wear something nice this time. No jeans," she tells me.

"I will mom." I hang up and let out a shaky breath. I turn to face Eric who's begun to pick at imaginary lint on his sweater. "I'm sorry."

"I don't understand why you don't just tell them you're seeing someone else," he doesn't look at me and I start to feel like I've somehow ruined everything.

I know he feels as though I'm hiding him from them, but I'm doing it for his own good, "Eric you don't understand them. There's no 'seeing someone' for them it's serious, committed, full family holidays, talk of marriage relationships or nothing."

He stands and pulls the hem of his black sweater down over his dark jeans. I look up at him and I am overwhelmed by the feeling I experience quite a lot when we are together, that I am painfully plain and in experienced and he will tire of my silly fear and tell me he's changed his mind about helping me. My face falls as I realize that today might be that day now that he's realized I am also too cowardly to stand up to my parents.

"Hey," his deep voice breaks my thoughts and I turn my eyes up to him, "you'll tell them when you're ready. I don't want to push you to do something you don't want, but I don't want to hear about him anymore. It's bad enough to hear you talk about your ex, the fact that it's Four makes it a thousand times worse." I nod my understanding not trusting my voice. He puts out his hands and when I accept them he pulls me to standing before him. He tugs me closer and then drops my hands to wrap his arms around my waist.

I rest my hands on his shoulders and look up at his face. He is looking back at me with a concerned expression. "Do you have to go?" I ask him.

"I have papers to read and my own paper to write. What time is your dinner?" He asks as we walk towards the front door hand in hand.

"Five, uptown. My dad refuses to eat anywhere but this one place by his old office building." I explain.

"My place is technically on your way home," he pushes a fallen strand of hair over my ear and let's his fingers linger at my pulse point for a split second, "you could stop on your way home if you wanted. Maybe watch a movie?"

It's strange how these small touches do not bother me like they did with Tobias. When he held my hand or fixed my hair is was an act of possessiveness or he felt the need to groom me because I couldn't be trusted to do it myself, with Eric they feel like genuine expressions of attraction and his desire to touch me. "I would like that." I admit.

He pulls me into another strong hug around my shoulders and I wrap my arms around his hips. I breathe him in as I let myself be engulfed by his arms and I feel the worry start to ease, "I'll tell them tonight," I promise.

"Do what you need to," he tells me. My head is at his chest. I hear his deep voice reverberating under my ear and I feel like I could listen to that sound for hours. He squeezes me a little tighter for a second before letting his arms fall. I slide mine back letting them linger at his sides for a second longer that I mean to. He bites the inside of his cheek for a second before he leans in to kiss me good bye.

He intends for it to be a quick, chaste, kiss but when his lips hit mine I instantly want more. I reach up and let my nails scrape through the short hair at the back of his head and when he hisses at the shock I take the opportunity to let my tongue find his. My heart is beating faster but I don't feel as though I'm panicking, I feel alive and as though I could confront my parents right now and not care what they said.

As Eric's lips move against mine I focus on how soft is hair feels beneath my fingers and how as his tongue moves slowly against mine, I am able to relax into kissing him. I pull myself closer to him and when our bodies are flush I feel his palms press into the small of my back. His tongue moves more assertively against mine and this time he is the one to let a deep moan pass between us. I feel something warm and intense pool in my stomach at his expression. It feels good to know that I have elicited such a reaction and I caution a nip at his bottom lip. There's a slightly less intense groan that vibrates in his throat and he slowly pulls back.

I can't help the pout that forms when his body heat is gone from me but I look up and he's he's looking down at me with his pupils wide and his chest rising and falling in heavy measured breaths, "do you know how good you are at that?" His tone is low and teasing as he takes my hand in one of his and runs his free thumb over my bottom lip.

I feel the blush at my cheeks and his hand tighten around mine. "Text me when you're leaving dinner?" He asks and I nod in response. He kisses my temple before leaving.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The train to my parents neighborhood is entirely too quiet and I'm wishing I had put a book in this giant bag Christina insisted I bring. I rest my head against the cool glass of the window and watch the city pass by. When there are only two stops left I hear my phone alerting me to a text message. I pull it out and I can't help the smile that comes when I see Eric's name. I open the message hastily and it is a picture of half of his couch with a blanket folded up and a throw pillow at the corner. The message reads, The longer you take the less room you get.

I quickly start typing my reply, if I tell them it's a good two hours. If I don't I can definitely be out of there in an hour.

His response comes as I stand up to exit the train. When I am on the platform I look down, Nice try. I will see you at 8:00.

I decide that tonight is the night I will bring him the gift I've been planning to get him and I will be passing the two places I need to go on the way to his apartment from the train. I quickly text him, Better make it 8:30 I'm going to need something more than just what's in that picture.

His response leaves me speechless, I could take a picture of the other side of the couch, but I just got out of the shower and I haven't gotten dressed yet.

I am now anything but calm, but he doesn't need to know that. I need to appear cool and collected so I channel my inner Christina and say, You wouldn't have what I need.

His response comes quickly, Go to dinner so you can get here and I can prove you wrong.

Be dressed before 8:30 I don't think my heart could handle it. I text back as I put the phone on vibrate and slide it back into my bag.

I need to breathe a few times as I stand outside of the restaurant. I was early but my conversation with Eric has resulted in me being three minutes late. This is a crime, punishable by lecture worse than death, to my father and I steel myself to receive my punishment as I open the heavy glass door.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

The onslaught of criticism begins as soon as the hostess walks me to the table and takes my long wool dress coat.

"Did you miss the train?" He asks as I smooth my long skirt behind me to sit down,

"No, I was responding to a message and I wanted to make sure my phone wouldn't interrupt dinner." I say hoping he will be satisfied with that.

My mother is appraising my outfit and I know before she speaks that it's not going to be good, "are polka dots and fishnet really appropriate for a girl your age?" I purposely wore a skirt that falls well below my knees, I didn't think that the net and polka dot overlay was inappropriate, obviously I was wrong.

The questions on my appearance go on for a few minutes, the heavy nature of my eyeliner, the inquiry into wether or not I shrunk my shirt, and then of course there's the assault on my shoes. Heels are too high and an ankle strap too suggestive. By the time the salads come I have lost what little appetite I arrived with.

I push the greens around on my plate as my father starts talking again, "I think you should move back into the dorms."

My head shoots up and the confusion must be written on my face because he goes on, "obviously you're more focused on vanity and self indulgence than you are on school."

"Wouldn't it be nice to be closer to Tobias?" My mother asks, "it will give you a chance to work out your differences."

I can't help the roll of my eyes or the sigh that escapes me. I'm tempted to call my mother Judas but I bite my tongue. "I don't know how else I can explain to you that I will NOT be getting back together with Tobias." I realize my voice is too loud and I take a deep breath as I feel my phone vibrating in my bag. I'm tempted to pull it out but I need to stay focused, "I will not be leaving my apartment. I worked three jobs all summer to be able to pay for it. Besides, I like living with Christina. As for Tobias, he has a new girlfriend, Lauren, who he is very much in love with. I am not interested in him. I have moved on and I am seeing someone else as well." I realize as the words cross my lips that I should not have let it out like that but it's out and my father looks as if I've just told him I promised my first born to the devil.

"There are rules for dating in this family. We have never met anyone but Tobias." My father is furious, I can see it in the reddening of his face, but his voice is cold and measured.

"I am not sixteen dad. I followed your rules when I was unsure of myself and what I wanted, when I needed your rules to keep me safe and on the right track. I don't need you to approve of Eric, or anyone else, just to go out to dinner. I like him that's enough for now." My mother looks as if I just slapped her in the face.

"Beatrice," her voice is shaking, "I think your father is right. You should move back into the dorms. Living with this girl has made you brazen and now you think it's alright to flit between boys as if it means nothing."

I don't know how this came around to Christina but I won't let her be insulted. "Christina has had the same boyfriend for four years and she has not made me brazen."

"You certainly never dressed like this before you met her." My father scoffs.

"I wore a uniform five days a week before I met her Daddy. I dress like this because I like it." I stand up realizing there is no hope for this conversation, or this evening. I'm angry now and I need to walk away before I say something I cant take back. "Thank you for dinner, I have somewhere I need to be. You should apologize to Caleb if you want him to come to dinner next month, I don't think I'll be able to make it." I tell them as I push my chair in and walk towards the front desk.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

I am back on the train watching the city pass in the opposite direction from before when I remember my phone was vibrating during my argument with my parents. I pull it out and see Eric's name. I open the message and I need to fight tears.

It says, just relax and breathe. You'll be ok.

I respond, Complete disaster. I'm on the train, I need to run two errands before I get there.

Do you want me to meet you? He responds.

I assure him I will be there soon and he should stay home.

I text Caleb to tell him we need to speak in the morning and he tells me to have a drink and forget it even happened.

My last message is to Christina explaining that dinner was a disaster, and that I will be at Eric's for a few hours.

I run the two very important errands as quickly as possible and at seven thirty I am standing in front of Eric's door.

He answers the door in the same dark fitted jeans from this morning and a black t-shirt. As the door closes behind me I feel his eyes on me. I put his gift on the coffee table and peel my coat off. I watch his eyes travel over my outfit and I suddenly feel very insecure. "I don't know what I was thinking, I didn't realize how trashy this outfit looked." I say apologetically as I hang my coat by the door.

"What?" He looks genuinely confused by what I've just said, "you don't look trashy at all. I was actually thinking how polished you look."

I feel the heat in my cheeks as he steps closer and tugs lightly at my ponytail. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" He asks

I squeeze my eyes shut and roll my neck before saying, "I will, but can I give you your present first?"

He looks at the bag I put on the table and then back to me. "You bought me a present?"

I feel a genuine smile pull at my lips as I nod, "two actually."

"Two?" He lifts an eyebrow and pulls me into a hug. I laugh and rest my forehead on his shoulder for a second taking a deep breath in through my nose the warm spicy scent of his cologne easing the tension.

"One is the gift, the other is a necessity," I explain when I am ready to separate myself from him. "This," I hand him a wrapped square package, "is the necessity." He sits down on the sofa as he rips the paper looking at me curiously.

He looks down at the set of two rocks glasses and a wide smile crosses his face. They are simple, but heavy and masculine. "These are great," he says with a smile, "thank you."

"That's not the real gift, you just needed those." I tell him as I pull a second wrapped package from the bag.

Eric shakes his head, "Tris, you don't need to do this."

I offer him a smile and say, "I had a terrible night, giving you something you'll enjoy will make me feel better."

He accepts what I'm holding out to him and I sit on the couch beside him. He rips the paper and a smirk lifts the corner of his mouth when he turns to me. Beneath the paper is a bottle from the same distillery that made the first bourbon I let Eric try, but it is not bourbon. It's Gin aged in bourbon barrels. I smile as I tell him, "I thought maybe this would be a good compromise."

He puts the bottle on the table and turns to me, "this may be the best gift I've gotten in a long time." He leans in and kisses me quickly, "is this your way of getting me to make you a drink?"

"You figured it out! You're so perceptive." I offer him an innocent smile and he laughs.

"Come help me." He pulls me up off the couch, "you can tell me about dinner."

"We didn't even make it to dinner." I admit as we walk into his kitchen. I pull myself up to sit on his island and he starts to wash the glasses I've given him.

Eric turns his head and lifts his pierced eyebrow at me, "that bad?"

"I lost it and stormed out during the salad." I divulge pulling my lip between my teeth.

He places the clean glasses on the counter next to me with a dish towel and I start to dry them as he pulls a cocktail shaker from the cabinet and rummages around in his fridge. He emerges with a grapefruit and asks me why as he slices into the fruit and squeezes the juice into the shaker.

I watch him carefully as I set down the second dry glass and he turns to pull a small bottle of clear syrup from a cabinet. "It was just bad from the moment I walked in. My clothes, my make up, my hair, and of course my shoes." I push my hands under my thighs and lift one foot to show him my shoes. "Apparently four inch heels are suggestive and an ankle strap is a direct indication that a girl is in fact not respectable."

He looks carefully at my shoes before wiping his hands on a dish towel. Eric steps over to me and stands at my knees lifting his hands to run his thumbs across my jaw. "You look beautiful, and I can assure you I have never looked at a girls shoes, and equated an ankle strap with her virtue." His tongue runs over his bottom lip and I'm suddenly fixated on the slick pink flesh in front of me. I lean in and kiss him quickly eliciting a lift at the corners of his mouth.

He turns back to making us drinks and I watch him intently. "What exactly are you making?" I ask.

"It's got a silly name, but it's actually pretty good." He says leaving out the silly name. He squeezes the syrup over the citrus juice and then he does something I've never seen. He shakes salt into the mixture. "What's with the salt?" I can't stop myself from asking.

"You're supposed to salt the rim of the glass, but it all goes to the same place anyway, and I always run out of salt before the drink is gone." He explains. I don't have the heart to tell him that's probably not how that works so I just nod.

I'm fixated on his fingers around the long thin handle of the spoon he's using when I hear him laugh. I look up and he's watching me watch him, "sorry," I mumble as I feel the blush color my cheeks.

He pulls the spoon from the shaker and says, "don't be." He lifts the bottle I've just given him off the counter and smiles as he breaks the seal. He pours from the bottle into the shaker and it looks like a bit more than is really necessary for two drinks. When he's filled the rest of the metal cup with ice he covers it with a pint glass and shakes it vigorously. I watch as the ice and pale yellow liquid lift and drop into the glass and then I watch the arm that is shaking it. The muscles in his upper arm tighten and release easily at the motion, and his hand, flexed over the two containers, is oddly mesmerizing. When he's satisfied with the color he sees through the glass he taps it gently to release the seal and pulls the now clean glasses towards him.

He strains the concoction into the two glasses and the light white froth at the top makes the pale yellow drink look almost delicate, but I saw how much gin went into them and I will not let it fool me. I smile in thanks as he hands me a glass and comes to stand beside my legs after picking up his own. I lift my glass and hold out out to him, "to forgetting dinner ever happened?"

He laughs a little and shakes his head, "after you tell me about it."

I pull my glass back and look at him sideways, "you're really going to make me?"

"I'm not going to torture it out of you, but it could help me understand your fear a little more." He keeps his eyes on me until I release a sigh.

"Fine," I concede tapping the glass to his.

When I'm finished recounting the evening Eric is looking at me shocked and I have finished the too strong but pleasantly bittersweet and slightly salty drink. We are settled on the sofa turned to face one another and I feel warm inside. Eric's fingers drawing trails at my wrist feel oddly soothing. I close my eyes and lay my head on my shoulder. His fingers leave my wrist to push my bangs back off my face and I open my eyes to see him worrying his bottom lip while qwatching me, "I'm sorry,"is all he manages to say.

"This is going to take a while to blow over," I tell him. "I shouldn't have let myself lose control like that, I shouldn't have snapped at them. They are only doing what they think is best." I say more to myself than him.

"Tris you're an adult living on your own, it's ok for you to stand up for yourself to them," tells me.

I let my eyes close again and I take one of my calming breaths, "Eric were you trying to get me drunk?" I laugh a little. Eric's fingers travel up and down my arms and I let out a satisfied hum. "That feels good."

"Are you tired?" He asks.

"A little. It's been a crazy night." I answer opening my eyes and propping my head up on my hand. I am completely in awe of the person in front of me. He's the kind of good looking that you see in Calvin Klein ads, they aren't supposed to actually exist, but here he is sitting in front of me. I laugh before I can stop myself.

Eric's pierced eyebrow lifts and he asks, "something funny?"

I'm not drunk but the gin has definitely given me a bit of extra bravery, "I was just thinking of how funny it is that you actually exist."

"Knew I should have fed you. The gin is making you loopy." He says starting to stand up.

I reach up and grasp his hand before he can walk away, "I'm not drunk Eric." I pull him back down and when he's sitting I pull my legs under me and push myself up so I am kneeling beside him, "I'm just having a really hard time understanding how I wound up in this situation with someone so far out of my league."

He needs to look up at me in our current positions and it makes me feel stronger somehow. "Your dismorphia amazes me." He shakes his head before looking up into my eyes. I have no idea what he means and it must be obvious because he says, "when you look in the mirror you don't see what the rest of the world sees."

"Eric you're like Abercrombie model hot," I laugh, "I'm plain at best."

His hands find my waist and he pulls me down so I fall into his lap with my legs over his as he leans back on the cushions. We're eye to eye now and he says, "you are far from plain." His voice is serious and hand is on my cheek forcing me to look at him. I shift uncomfortably and he asks, "can you tell me you're ok?"

"I'm at a three," I answer.

"Do you want to get up?" He asks.

I shake my head.

"Can I try to help you?" He asks.

"Ok."

"Look at me," he says quietly. When my eyes are on his he tells me, "just breathe slow. I've seen you do it. In through your nose," I pull in air that is heavy with his scent. I see his chest lift with the same breath. "Purse your lips and let it out slowly." I do as he says and I feel my heart slow down. "Good, again."this time he does it with me his hand sliding from my cheek to behind my ear. When I breathe in again the smell of gin and citrus is heavy in the air between us. I realize his fingers are under my ear and he's checking my pulse, I realize it subsided rather quickly and I feel almost normal. "Better?" He asks. I nod not trusting my voice. "You know I need to hear it," he reminds me.

"I'm ok," I manage to get out. I realize my voice is a weak whisper.

"Tris?" His voice sounds concerned.

"I'm ok." I say more sure of myself.

"You are so far from plain Tris." He tells me softly, "your eyes are the craziest blue I've ever seen. They're turn grey when you're starting to get nervous, but they're usually this vivid blue. The way your cheeks flush when you get shy and that insanely sexy habit you have of biting your lip."

I want to look away to dismiss what he is saying as him trying to be nice but I have a feeling being nice isn't top priority for Eric. I let my eyes stay trained on his as scared as I felt a few minutes ago being this close to him now I'm wondering if I could get closer and stay calm.

I lean in towards Eric, my eyes still locked in his, and I can feel him tense beneath me. I lay my hands on either side of his jaw, his eyes flick furiously over my face from my lips to my eyes, and I close the distance between us before I can overthink it.

I feel his hand moving from it's previous placement at my throat and running the length of my arm until it catches my wrist. I let my tongue run over his bottom lip tentatively and when he lets his lips fall open his tongue meets mine. Before my mind is aware of what my body doing I shift in his lap and I feel the evidence if what my actions have done to him. In an instant I go from being lost in the safe sensation of kissing Eric to utter shock at what I have just done and felt. There's a small part of me that feels proud of the reaction I've caused, but the other part of me, the part hat knows what that hardness pressed against my ass means, is terrified.

I feel the absence of his lips on mine suddenly and when I open my eyes I see his grey orbs locked on me, I instantly shift my gaze to a spot on the wall behind him, the panic is evident in the crease of his forehead, "Tris I'm sorry. I didn't expect to, I'm so sorry. Look at me, please." I feel the intense heat in my cheeks and I want to move away from him quickly but I'm afraid to move wrong and feel him against me again. I shake my head trying to breathe evenly, "do you want to move off or can we get through this?" I can hear in his tone that he wouldn't judge me either way.

I put my fingers gently at his throat and close my eyes hoping that the feeling of his pulse can lull me into the security I have felt with him before but the erratic drum against my fingertips tells me he is not calm either. I realize now that his hands are not anywhere on me, not at my pulse point or on my wrists, he's not physically assessing anything he's just as panicked by what just happened as I am, but only because he wasn't expecting his own response. "I just need a minute." I manage to get out with my eyes squeezed shut.

"Zero to ten?" He asks.

"Five," I answer after a few seconds. I open my eyes and look down into his worried face. I let my hand fall down his arm and say, "can you hold my hands?"

He slides his fingers between mine on both hands and I squeeze more intensely than I mean to but he doesn't seem to mind. My teeth sink into my lower lip and I see his eyes snap away from my mouth to my eyes. I breathe slowly through my nose and his scent invades my entire mind. I feel it wash through me and it's oddly calming. The tension in my neck starts to fade and I do it again. This time I feel my fingers let up on Eric's and I say, "two."

"Good," he tells me. "Do you want to get up?" He asks.

I want to say no to tell him that I want to push through it, but just as I open my mouth to say so I'm suddenly yawning.

"You look so pretty when your tired," he says as he shifts his weight a little before sliding me off of his lap onto the cushion beside him. He stands up and pulls quickly at the leg of his jeans. I'm careful to keep my eyes on his, "I'll be right back."

Eric emerges from the bathroom a few minutes later with his cheeks and neck damp but looking much more composed. He offers to walk me home but I remind him about my shoes and offer to take a cab.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Two weeks ago I left Eric's apartment for far less than what is currently happening in my own.

Christina and Will have gone away for the weekend and Eric suggested we see if being in my own apartment would make me less afraid.

I look down an the incredibly hot man that is my boyfriend, and while I still have trouble believing he is real sometimes, I have no doubts that he is sincerely interested in me.

I had come home late one afternoon to find him in my apartment arguing passionately with Christina over the picture she had sent him before our first date.

He had been rather rough on her, telling her how disrespectful she had been of me and my fear, told her she should rethink her idea of friendship and also that she owed me more than the half assed apology she had given me. She cried most of the night but not because she was upset with Eric, because she'd never realized how serious my fear was, or how taking away the control of when he saw me in any sort of undress she had made it that much scarier for me.

That was the second part of my fear I needed to overcome, control. I had never really been in control of the situations that brought on the biggest panic.

He's let me take the lead a lot in the last two weeks: stopping when I say, and not even asking if I need to stop, or want him to help. If I want to keep going but I'm scared I need to ask him.

He's spent more time in the bathroom after our encounters than that first day, sometimes he needs to shower, and while I'm sure I know why he's never once said anything about it.

Tonight, while we have my apartment to ourselves, he's suggested we try to spend the night in the same place. The initial suggestion had sent me into a sweaty mess but he assured me that he would sleep on the couch or go home if need be.

The position I am in at this very moment is one I didn't think I would ever find myself in. I am straddled over Eric's lap his hands at my hips mine in his hair and I am watching his face trying to keep my breathing even, "Tris are you," I don't let him finish his question. He's going to ask if I'm ok and the honest answer is no but I do want to push through it. I cut him off with a rough deep kiss and I feel his hands loosen at my waist.

I break the kiss to pant out, "Don't let go of me," before I move my body closer to his and kiss him harder. He doesn't let go but I can feel the tension in his fingers over my sweatpants. I can feel my heart pounding in my throat but I refuse to let it stop me. I do what, up until this very moment, was unthinkable to me. I roll my hips forward creating a friction between my legs I have never felt but suddenly craved.

Eric's mouth stops moving against mine and I feel the moan he releases pass my lips more than I really hear it. I separate from his mouth to look down into his eyes again and they are nearly black now that his pupils are pushing out the grey, "was that ok?" I ask timidly.

Eric swallows thickly and nods.

"I don't know what made me," I stumble, "but it felt," I feel my breathing get shallow.

"Amazing." He says releasing my hips and pushing his hands into the thick mess that is my hair. He holds my head in place to keep my eyes on his, "breathe for me?" I didn't realize I had been holding onto the last attempt at a calming breath and I let it out slowly as he pushes his hips up towards mine. I feel his entire stiffened length against me and I want so desperately to look away but I know it won't help. His hips move again and this time I can't stop my eyes from falling shut or the moan that escapes me. I feel my cheeks get hot and he buries his face in the bare skin of my shoulder.

"Eric I need to stop." I say when the intimate gesture of his nose brushing my throat sends a new wave of fear through me. I hurry off of him, apologizing emphatically when I notice the obvious tenting of his sweatpants. He adjusts his position so that he's leaning forward and his loose t-shirt falls forward enough to hide his excitement. He looks up and I see his eyes widen in shock, I look down and my tank top has risen up to my navel. His eyes are locked on the black, grey, and white ink on my abdomen. I rush to pull my shirt down and apologize again.

"That may be the single hottest tattoo I have ever seen." He says and I laugh. "I'm not kidding. Come here and let me see it?" He motions with his arm for me to stand by him. I step slowly back towards him and he looks up at me with his hand outstretched towards the hem of my shirt, "can I?" His eyes never leave my face searching it while I think. When I nod slowly he takes his lip between his teeth and I watch as he lifts my shirt just far enough to see the tattoo, "why didn't you tell me you had a tattoo?"

He's looking at each line in the feather and I watch as his fingers shift on my shirt, "It never came up."

"We've talked about my tattoo, that was definitely one opportunity." He laughs a little, "is it covering a scar?" He asks looking at it closer. I feel his warm breath on my skin and it's making me crave that same friction again.

"Yeah." The crack in my voice betrays me and he looks up at me releasing my shirt.

"Can I use your," he gestures towards the bathroom and I can't help the laugh.

"You're still going to sleep here right? You don't need to ask to use the bathroom." I laugh and he offers me a smile standing up slowly. He pulls me into one of his warm and innocent hugs and as I wrap my arms around him reaching up his back to his shoulder blades I'm suddenly much more relaxed.

"Have I told you yet today how insanely hot you are?" He asks earning another laugh from me as I look up at him.

"Only once or twice." I laugh, I still think you need an eye exam.

"Twenty-Twenty baby." He jokes pointing at his eyes as he walks backwards towards the bathroom. "Now go get in bed." I clear the living room of take out containers and beer bottles and as I'm turning off the TV I hear the shower running and while it's muffled I could swear I hear Eric moan.


	5. Tipping Point

**a/n It's getting harder to pump out these chapters quickly. I am so grateful for every sweet review even though I've been slack at responding lately.**

 **as always I own nothing and outfits are on polyvore. Another familiar face is about to show up, let me know how much trouble you want him to cause... I'm not totally set on what to do with him yet.**

 **I originally thought this would be 5 parts but it's taken on a life of its own and it will definitely be more. Hope no one minds :)**

Winter has absolutely settled over Chicago and walking between classes is near torture. I finally make it from the lab building to the main dining hall where I'm supposed to meet Christina and I'm convinced that I will never be warm again.

After grabbing a sandwich and a water I find an empty table and pull off my gloves and jacket leaving my scarf tied around my neck. I need to hide the side effects of last nights accomplishment in overcoming my fears.

I allowed Eric unrestricted access to my neck and he took full advantage. I had never understood hickeys, until now. I certainly won't flaunt it around as though it's a badge of merit but when I looked in the mirror this morning, and ran my fingers over the purple mark at the juncture of my neck and collar bone, I was filled with the rush of warmth that had accompanied its placement.

I'm pulled from my reverie by Christina's chirp of, "there's my accomplished girl!"

"Remind me why I let you in on this?" I ask her as she drops into the chair across from me.

"Because I can tell you all the girly parts your catalogue model, boy toy, doesn't understand." She says matter-of-factly, "and because you know I'm the only person in the world who will be more excited than you when said hottie finally gets you over this fear."

The sad part is she's right. She may be more excited for the success of this endeavor than Eric and me combined.

Eric and I have talked a lot about what I'm going to need to understand physically about sex that he just can't explain. I've started to realize that excitement feels a lot like panic and I don't know how I'm supposed to tell the difference, I've obviously never had an orgasm so the thought of what horrible sounds or faces I could potentially make is daunting. There's also the fear that losing ones virginity has a reputation for being painful, and Eric isn't the under developed teenager most girls let take that piece of them. He is larger than average in every visible way, and if the way he feels through clothes is any indication of the rest of him, I'm expecting to be in terrible pain.

Just the thought of that alone has been the source of many anxiety filled conversations. Eric finally told me that while taking someone's virginity is something he's experienced, he can't really tell me what it felt like from the other perspective. He had been forced to admit that he'd only been with one girl who was a Virgin and he hadn't really had the maturity to talk to her about it in depth. He explained what he could which wasn't much, and then conceded that it would be better for me to talk to Christina about what it actually felt like.

So I asked Christina if she could walk me through the basics. She had excitedly agreed but insisted it wait until tonight when we get home. Neither of us has class in the morning and we've yet to share the gift Eric gave me, so we're going to make a night of it. She insisted I meet her early for dinner because there is someplace she needs to take me before our talk. "So are you going to tell me where I'm going?" I ask as she waves at someone I don't recognize.

"To get even prettier." She says. Her penchant for makeovers is disturbing.

"I'm not cutting or dying my hair, I'm not getting pierced and one tattoo is enough for me." I tell her.

"You'll see, this is all for Eric and he's going to LOVE it." She says.

"What am I going to love?" I hear his deep voice behind me and the butterflies that have taken up residence inside me flutter to life. "Hi beautiful." He adds looking down at me and kissing the top of my head as he slides into the chair beside me.

"Christina was just about to tell me," I start.

"Nope. I actually wasn't about to tell you a damn thing," she interrupts. "Tris and I have plans tonight, so while I do so adore you Mr. Coulter, you'll be enjoying your own personal time this evening. I assure you, you'll get her back in almost the same condition."

Eric looks at me and asks, "what the hell is she talking about?"

"Damned if I know," I admit, "when she gets like this I just go where I'm told and hope it won't hurt too much."

He raises an eyebrow at me and I just shake my head.

We all eat in companionable silence, Eric's leg bumping mine beneath the table every few minutes.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"No way in hell." I protest standing outside of European Wax Center on South State Street. Christina has just explained what she expected me to let them do.

"You need to be prepared for anything from now on. You never know when your tipping point will hit." She says as if it makes perfect sense to strip down and let a total stranger rip the hair from my most personal of places.

"No, Chris this is beyond anything I will ever be ok with." I tell her.

"I have Watershed!" She taunts as she pulls a silver flask from her bag.

I eye her suspiciously, "you really think that Eric would be into this?" I ask. "It seems a little extreme."

"He's going to worship this idea," Christina assures me as she hands me the flask. I tip it to my lips and she holds the bottom so I'm forced to swallow more than I expect.

When my coughing fit subsides and I'm feeling the familiar warmth inside my chest I shake my head and hold my arm out, "let's get this over with."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"You really aren't going to tell me what you did all night? Eric pushes.

There was screaming, and blood, and a lot of money handed to the aesthetician. "It was completely boring," I lie.

"Then why does it hurt when you sit down?" He asks suspiciously.

Because Christina paid a stranger to torture me with hot wax and strips of paper, is what I want to say. Instead I say, "we did girly stuff."

"You did 'girly stuff?' Did you seriously just use that phrase?" He looks disgusted by what I've said.

"I did," I confess. I don't have a chance to explain any further.

We're sitting in the main dining hall and my back is too the door and suddenly two long, thin, pale hands are covering my eyes and a familiar deep voice is at my ear. "Did you miss me?"

My initial reaction to the contact is sheer terror until I hear the voice. I grab both his hands and pull them off my face before I stand up and wrap my arms tightly around the person that just surprised me. I only let go when I hear Eric clear his throat behind me. "Oh sorry," I say letting Peter go and pulling my sleeves down over my hands, "Eric this is my old friend Peter, we went to high school together. Peter, this is my boyfriend, Eric."

Eric appraises Peter quickly before extending his hand saying, "nice to meet you."

"You too," Peter responds taking Eric's offered hand and shaking it. Before he even let's Eric go Peter is looking back at me with a slight scowl as he chews the inside of his cheek, "Stiff, you're looking kinda skinny, and that outfit's really slack." Oh the joys of being friends with Peter you never have to wonder if you look bad, he will always tell you. My outfit is rather uninspired today just basic grey leggings and a black cardigan with riding boots. I tried to be fun and put on an orange scarf but the reality is Christina kept me up late talking, and my lower body was not in the mood for jeans after she forced me to wax places I didn't even know existed.

Eric looks completely lost at this entire conversation. "You look cute," he tells me, pulling me protectively towards him with one arm around my waist.

"Awe how sweet, don't lie to her, you know she could look a thousand times better.

Eric's hand on my stomach flexes and I cover it gently with mine, "Peter enough, I get it. You're worse than Christina."

Peter tugs at the end of my low side ponytail and then gently swipes a fingertip across my nose, "No one is worse than Christina, I'm kidding you look 'cute'," his tone on the last word is mocking and I'm pretty sure Eric growls.

"So what are you doing here anyway. I ask Peter pulling Eric's hand off of me so I can sit back down, but not letting it go as I do. He drops into the chair to my left as Peter sits in the chair across the table.

Peter leans back on two chair legs with his hands behind his head. "I can't just come to visit an old friend?"

I roll my eyes and smile, "of course you can. But you don't." Eric's fingers are trying to strangle mine under the table and I circle my thumb on the back of his hand to try and relax him.

"Fair enough. I'm transferring back." He tells me as he rights his chair.

"Didn't you just transfer last semester? You didn't even give the new school a chance," I scold.

"Yeah well, there was a little confusion over credit transfers and if I stayed there I would need to repeat six classes, if I transfer back I only lose one."

"You hated it here," I remind him.

"Yeah but I'm almost done anyway." He looks nonplussed by the fact that he's just wasted an entire semester when he's only a year away from graduating. I see Eric absently playing with his phone in his free hand, one eye fixed on our conversation and I try to shift closer to him so I can bump his knee with my own. He squeezes my fingers gently in response.

"Ok. Well welcome back. Are you living on campus?" I ask.

He gives me a disgusted looks and says, "yeah like that would ever happen. I'm actually going to be moving into Al's place."

I feel the lead weight take up residence in my stomach and my fingers start to shake. Eric's attention is all on me again and his fingers slide to my wrist. Peter must notice something because he says, "look I know you two had your issue but it was the only place available. You need to get over that shit anyway."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"Why doesn't it bother you when he touches you?" Eric asks when I return to my room after changing into sleep shorts and a tank top.

He's sitting on the edge of my bed in basketball shorts and a t-shirt I expected him to be half sleep by now. He's been sleeping here once a week since that first night and usually it's the best nights sleep I get all week. The one night a week I've been spending at his apartment might be the worst, we're working on it.

"I told you it's not about being touched, it's a bat being touched with intent." I remind him.

Eric looks at me with his eyebrows raised, "and you think there's no intent behind anything that kid did tonight?"

"What are you talking about?" We had finished dinner with Peter and spent the rest of the evening sitting in the student center talking. Peter was touchy-feely but he's never shown interest in being anything more than a friend, and he's also made it clear that I'm not exactly gods gift to men.

"Your complete lack of self confidence astounds me." Eric says as he pulls me to stand between his legs. "He never took his eyes off you for more than a minute, and when he did it was just to give me dirty looks." His hands are on my hips and he's looking up at me concerned. "You've known him since highs school?" I nod, "I really don't like him."

"Eric," I kiss him gently, "maybe it's you who needs the confidence. Do you really think he's anything to worry about when I have you?"

He shakes his head and pulls my face down into a sweet slow kiss. I move so my legs are on either side of his and slowly push myself forward so I'm straddling his lap. I never let my lips leave his and I feel his hands settle on the slight curve of the back of my thigh his fingertips grazing the hem of my shorts.

We've done this before, I'm used to this. His lips leave mine and he reaches up and traces the faint edges of the mark he left, "is it horrible of me to wish he'd seen this?"

I have never seen Eric insecure, it's disturbing. "It's not horrible, but it's also not necessary," I tell him. "You spend so much time telling me how pretty I am, do you not listen when I tell you how amazing you are?"

His lips are on my throat and my head is spinning. In this moment I realize this is my chance to give him a little of what he's given me. He's made me feel so much better about myself, now he needs to hear it. "I still have trouble believing you actually exist." I tell him taking his face in my hands and making him look at me.

"And your eyes when I do this," I roll my hips slowly pushing my newly groomed core against him. There's a pleasantness to the discomfort I feel that spurs me on. He lets out a low groan as his eyes change color as if on cue, "turn this incredibly steely grey."

His hands slide further up my outer thighs until his fingertips go further than he meant them to. Usually they hit my underwear and he knows to stop. I was brave while I was getting undressed tonight, now that he's looking at me in shock I start to doubt myself. I can't rely on him tonight, he actually needs my help to feel good this time. The idea that I can help him is making me more brave than I ever was when it was just about me feeling good.

I bite my bottom lip and roll my hips again this time the feeling of his hands on the skin he's never touched before, and the twitch of his growing excitement against my thigh, makes me feel completely in control of the situation. "Your hands on my skin is addicting." I tell him just before I pull his face to mine for another rough kiss. This time I let my hands fall from his face to the space between us. I twist my fingers in his shirt trying to pull him closer, his grip on my ass tightens and I think there may be marks there tomorrow, I let my hands slip under his shirt and pull my an nails over his stomach.

His body tenses and I feel the moan pass between us, it's encouraging to know he's enjoying me as much as I'm enjoying him. I graze the waistband if his sweats with my fingertips and he jerks back from me. "Tris easy," he says.

"It's ok." I tell him, "I'm ok, really." His eyes frantically search my face for signs of panic. Surprisingly there are none. I'm not scared yet, I'm nervous that I'll do something wrong, but I'm not scared. I feel completely in control of what's happening, I know what I want to do and I know he won't push it any further. "I want to do something for you."

"It's not supposed," I cut him off with another rough kiss and a roll of my hips so confident and demanding even I forget what we were talking about. His hands knead at my backside and mine rest on his stomach again. I pull up the courage I've given myself and let my right hand fall lower until my fingertips ghost over the outline of his erection. His hips jerk back at the contact and I let my hand wrap over him through the soft fabric of his pants. He stops moving, his hands still and he's no longer kissing me back. Now I start to panic that I've done something unwelcome, "I'm sorry, I just, I wanted to, I'm sorry."

I start to move my hand away when all of a sudden his hands are on my cheeks and he's kissing me more frantically than ever. I recover from the shock and wrap my hand tightly over him again. I let myself take in what he feels like through his clothes and try to remember what Christina said last night. Not too tight or it will hurt, not too loose or it will tickle. Don't go too fast or it won't last and not to slow or it won't work. My hips are still rocking of their own accord, and Eric's frenzied assault on my mouth has slowed down. Every so often he'll pull in a sharp breath or moan into my mouth. I'm encouraged by his responses and I want more, I pull back from kissing him and let my hands leave him to tug at the neckline of his shirt. He takes the hint and with my help his shirt finds it's way to the floor. I shift off his lap onto my knees beside him on the bed.

When I lower my hands again I can feel them start to tremble at what I'm about to do. Slow deep breaths I tell myself, when I pull in the first breath through my nose the part of Eric's scent that is so calming is heavy and it encourages me to push past the fear that is starting to build. I am really about to do this and my stomach is in knots. I look at Eric's eyes, half closed with lust, and steel grey on mine. His lip is between his teeth his hands behind him as he leans back on my bed. I lower the waistband of his sweats and his boxers and am rewarded with the sight of his engorged length. I've seen text book pictures, and Christina insisted on showing me pictures online last night after several glasses of bourbon, but nothing could have really prepared me for what is in front of me. I lick my lips and I watch as there's a faint twitch in response. I keep his clothes out of the way with my left hand as I let my right wrap around him.

Eric hisses in response to the contact. The skin against my palm is soft and warm. It feels like heavy silk pulled taught over rock and I let my hand start to move gently at first and I watch as the ivory skin beneath my fingers turns pink and disappears and reappears from my hand, "Christ, Tris, where did you," he doesn't finish his thought because the sound of his voice makes me excited and I force my lips onto his.

There's a flurry of movement and when we settle were on or sides facing one another and my hand around his dick is caught between us. He kisses me roughly and it makes me tighten my hand around him and move a little faster.

I'm creating this intense reaction from this beautiful man and it's intoxicating. A few minutes later I feel him tense and turn slightly onto his back. His hand warm and strong wraps around mine and moves it just a little faster two more of these quick rough movements and Eric groans again loudly before there's a warm thick sensation coating my fingers and hand. I open my eyes and the white fluid is in small puddles on his taught stomach and both of our hands. He's panting uncontrollably as he lets my hand go, "my shirt." He gets out as he lifts his clean fingers to squeeze the bridge of his nose. When I hand him his shirt he sits up slightly taking my hand and uses the soft cotton to wipe away what's there before he cleans his own and then his stomach.

When all evidence of my first exploration if his body is gone he balls up his shirt and tosses it in the corner. Were both sitting at odd angles on my bed and he's got a large genuine smile across his face. I'm chewing at my lip again as he pulls me closer. "Where did you learn to do that?" He asks as he buries his nose in my hair nipping gently at my ear, "because that was fucking perfect." It's barley a whisper and it sends a shock through my body that stops between my legs and I need to shift around to relieve it.

His question is of course rhetorical and he continues to bite and suck at my neck. I couldn't answer him if I wanted to. The warmth between my legs refuses to subside and I try to get back into his lap so that I can ease it the way I've started to enjoy. I feel him smile at my neck and he asks in a whisper, "feeling up to trying one more thing?"

I feel my body tense but he's back to kissing my neck and twisting his fingers in my hair, the sensations it's causing are killing me I need to do something so I nod.

"Lay back," his voice is low and gravely at my ear and I do as he asks. Eric's body follows mine and his weight is over me. I feel the fear begin when he touches my legs and my breath hitches.

He's off of me in an instant, his fingers on my knees the only contact. I open my eyes to find his and he says, "tell me to stop and I will no matter what, I swear." I nod slowly and his hands find my hips, he pulls me slightly closer to him as he kneels between my legs his hands splay out over my stomach my tank top riding up to my ribs and the warm roughness of his hands is a stark contrast to the skin I felt beneath my own a few minutes ago. His eyes lock on my tattoo and then flick back up to mine. He lowers his head and places a light kiss to the scar hidden beneath the ink. His right hand continues a slow assent over my ribs while his left stays at my side.

His finger tips graze the slight swell of my breast and I try to stay focused on his eyes. I've let him touch my breasts before, I keep my breathing slow and try to just enjoy the warmth of his hands on me. His thumb circles my nipple and he seems fascinated by the reaction as it becomes visible beneath the grey cotton gopher my shirt. I feel his other thumb circle at my hip bone and that is new. I feel myself lift off the bed slightly into it. His hand on my breast falls to the other hip and both thumbs trace beneath the waistband of my shorts. He inches them down slowly watching me for protest.

I offer none, but I take a long time to decide if I'm ready for him to see what I did last night. I slowly lift my hips with my lip between my teeth threatening to draw blood. Eric slides my shorts lower until I feel the cool air of the room against the sensitive apex of my thighs. He backs up and beds my legs enough to get my shorts off and I'm suddenly wishing I had left my panties on, even if they are boring, Eric's eyes are locked on the too smooth skin and his tongue darts out to wet his lips, "I'm always two steps behind you. When did you,"

I cut him off, "girly stuff." My voice is shaking and I force my legs closed.

He runs his hands down my thighs from my knees and the soothing rhythm he sets lulls them open slowly until the fall wide enough for his hands to run along the inside of my thighs. He keeps his hands away from my center at first only trailing lower in fractions of an inch. His eyes are on mine but his hands feel so good they drift closed and I let out a soft whine, "Eric, I want more." I surprise myself with my admission but I have no desire to retract it.

His left hand stops at the middle of my right thigh and gently lowers my bent leg to the bed. His right hand trails up my left thigh but turns so it graces my hip and stomach leaving my leg up next to him, "are you sure?"

I look up at him, his lower neck and shoulder tattooed in a pattern of blocks, his chest well defined and rising and falling erratically, his toned stomach taught in anticipation and the dip of his hip bones disappearing below his pants. My recollection of what's beneath them is enough to send me over the edge, and while I'm currently terrified about whether or not it's ever going to fit inside of me when we get to that, I still want him to touch me now and release the pressure building inside if me.

I open my eyes and make eye contact, "please." Is all I can manage as I shift my self closer to him, his hand on my right leg tightens as the one in my stomach slides lower. I watch his hands descent as is slides over the freshly waxed skin and his thumb traces it's first lazy line over my folds. I know my legs are shaking and I'm suddenly holding my breath. His index finger follows his thumb, a slow careful line before it dips slightly to my entrance, "breathe baby," his voice is barely audible as his fingers move easily over me.

I let out a breath and take notice that all of our previous actions have created this incredible wetness between my folds that I didn't know was possible and Eric's Fingers, now slick with my excitement, circle at the small bead of nerves hidden between the folds and it creates the friction I've been craving. I arch my back to him and let my eyes fall shut.

Eric's fingers move slowly and before I know what I'm doing my hand comes up to wrap around his arm holding it in place. The feeling that I'm still confused about begins in my stomach it's an electric tingle much like the one I feel in my fingers during a panic attack. This time it's only in my belly and between my legs and it makes me want to push further into his hand. I can feel my breathing becoming erratic and Eric's weight shifts over me so that he can kiss me.

When he releases my lips his finger is circling me carefully and as he inches his finger gently he looks at me in question. I dig my nails into his shoulders and nod slowly.

The finger he slides into me is long and I feel it stretching me open. I whimper at the new sensation and Eric leans closer to kiss me gently. As his tongue finds mine the finger inside me curls and his palm rubs against my clit. I have never felt so many sensations at once and my body starts to shake. His hand moves faster and my nails in his shoulder do not let up. I'm starting to rock against his hand, and when I feel a second finger join the first i can't stop the deep sound I release against his lips. My excitement must spur him on because his hand moves faster and his kiss becomes more heated.

I begin to feel a warmth build in my lower belly and as I pull the leg Eric isn't holding open closer to my body I notice that it is shaking gently. My hands let up on his shoulders and slide down his chest. As the warmth inside me becomes more intense I am overcome with the need to move, so I begin to rock my hips in time with his hand. I feel his fingers tighten on my thigh and he moans into my mouth.

My heart begins to race and the tightening of fear in my chest starts to take over and I stop participating in the kiss. Eric pulls back and releases my thigh, and while his fingers inside me still, he doesn't move it away. When his voice comes it is soft and slow as if he's not sure he can trust it, "do you need me to stop?" I can see the internal struggle he is feeling but I know if I said yes he would.

My heart is pounding in my ears and my fingers are tingling but Christina said it might be like this, that I shouldn't let it stop me if it was mostly good. I bite my lip and shake my head, "no. I'm scared, but I'm ok, I trust you." I don't know why I needed to say that but I felt like he needed to hear it.

Eric is still kneeling between my open legs and his free hand finds one of mine and tangles our fingers together, "you have no idea how beautiful you look right now," he tells me as his fingers inside me curl again. He keeps his eyes locked on mine as he returns to the pace he set before and I see his body shift so that he is on his stomach his face inches from where his fingers are turning me into a puddle of anxiety and pleasure. There is an unspoken question in his eyes and I tentatively nod. As I feel cool air rush over the small bundle of nerves and I can't keep my eyes open. My fingers find Eric's hair and tug gently. I hear him groan and then I feel the most incredible sensation so far, his tongue swipes where he's just blown cool air and the slick heat in contrast to the cool dry air draws his name from my lips in a strangled whine. He does it again several times in quick succession finally circling his tongue before closing his lips over my clit and sucking gently.

My heart is pounding furiously and suddenly I can't hear anything other than my own sharp moan and there are spots behind my eyelids as my hips lift to meet his lips and I feel what I can only describe as a rush of heat through my entire body. Eric's fingers and mouth work faster at first, but soon I feel as if I couldn't possibly feel anymore without discomfort. His fingers are gone first and I whimper at the loss, his tongue gently laps at me slowly until I feel myself relaxing.

When I'm completely calm and redressed Eric is lying on his back beside me our fingers laced together and he turns his head to look at me, "are you ok?"

I can't suppress the smile as I look up at him, "I am better than ok. I have never felt anything that intense before, was that an orgasm?" My voice drops at the last word as if it's a secret.

I feel his laugh deep in his chest below my fingers and he rolls onto his side pulling me into him, "I'm in no way an expert, but if I had to guess I would say so." He kisses the top of my head and I try to stifle the satiated yawn that escapes me. "Go to sleep, we can talk in the morning."

I desperately want to stay awake and talk now, but my body is defiant. I fall asleep to the steady rhythm of his heart beating and his perfectly timed breaths. The last thing I register before I fall into a dreamless sleep is the feeling of his fingers drawing circles on my bare shoulders.


	6. Jealousy

AN: I know it's been way longer than usual. I could say real life happened and it did, but I also got serious writers block.

I got so much amazing feedback from everyone and I had a few conversations that made me feel like I needed to treat this with care. This chapter was very difficult to write and I'm not thrilled with it if you have any constructive criticism please please I need it.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"You must have dropped some bomb on mom and dad," Caleb's voice is laced with laughter as he sits down across from me. I've been looking forward to dinner with Caleb all week, now I'm wishing I'd stayed home.

"Hello to you too." I mumble into my drink.

Caleb's blue eyes light up with humor and he asks the waitress for an old fashioned and another drink for me, "I have a feeling it's going to be a mostly drinks night." He says when she's stepped away. "So what happened? Dad called me Sunday as if we had never fought, telling me how proud he is that I'm on track to graduate early."

"I'm pretty sure I'm the Prior disappointment for the foreseeable future." I tell him as I drain my glass. "I may have told them that I'm dating someone and they wouldn't be meeting him anytime soon."

Caleb's eyes are wide and he swallows thickly, "how are you still alive?" He asks.

I shake my head and tell him the full story of the dinner he missed. The waitress brings our drinks and takes our orders just as I'm finished telling him about the assault on Christina. By the time we're finishing our drinks I'm up to the part of the story where I admonished my father for being so hard on Caleb and then about walking out on them.

"This is bad Bea." He's looking at me concerned, "if dad's coming to me telling me I'm not a failure he's seriously pissed at you."

I nod my agreement as we both start eating. "Mom looked like I had ripped her heart out. I feel terrible, but I don't want to live like them."

"Me either," he agrees.

"Do you think they'll ever forgive me?" I ask him.

"I could fail my next exam, that might swing things back in your direction." He suggests with a smile.

We eat for a bit in comfortable silence before Caleb's curious nature gets the better of him. I knew this was coming and I'm actually surprised he held it in so long, "so who's the guy?"

I feel my cheeks heat up and I can't keep the smile off my face. I tell him about Eric but leave out his involvement in ridding me of my fears.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"Look who the cat dragged in!" Christina screeches when Caleb walks through the door. She jumps up to hug him tightly and he lifts her off the floor.

"Good to see you Chris. Will." He turns to Will and shakes his hand.

Christina and Will keep conversation with Caleb while I duck into the kitchen to get Caleb and I each a beer. With everyone here there's no doubt this night will run long and I will require more than the three bourbons I had at dinner to survive the reminiscing that will ensue.

When I return and hand Caleb his bottle they are discussing Peter's return.

"Bea you didn't tell me Peter transferred back," Caleb said.

I shrug and sip from my own beer before I respond, "it didn't come up."

Caleb shakes his head, "I never liked that kid. He's always insulting you."

"He's just honest." I defend.

"Don't bother Caleb," Will tells him.

Christina rolls her eyes and adds, "she doesn't listen to anyone. Eric doesn't like him either but she won't hear it."

"He's my," I start to defend Peter but Caleb cuts me off.

"Oldest friend, yeah I know. Even when we were kids he did that backhanded compliment thing." He drinks from his bottle and shakes his head, "Chris, tell me about this Eric guy."

"Ahh the Abercrombie model." She smiles, "he's pretty, but he's also perfect for Tris."

Caleb looks impressed by the things Christina tells him about Eric and soon enough she's dragged out the box of pictures I keep in my closet. "I know there's one in here," she mumbles as she rifles through the pictures until she stops and looks almost sad, "I remember this day." She hands the picture to me and my face must drop too because Caleb looks over my shoulder and then pats my arm.

It's Tobias and I with his arm around my shoulders and me playfully biting him. It should be a happy memory. We spent the whole day together as a group wandering Chicago like tourists taking pictures of the landmarks and eating at tourist traps. As I think back I want to laugh at all the things we did but my memory of that day will always be tainted, it's the night Tobias left me.

"Sorry Tris." Christina offers.

I shrug it off and hand her back the picture, "it's ok. That really was a great day." I pull the picture of her and Will from the same day and hold it up. "I have more good memories than bad of that day." She smiles and so does Will. The first time Will told Chris he loved her was that day as they sat by the Ferris Wheel at The Navy Pier.

There are pictures of each of us in this box, pictures from various points in our friendships and they all elicit responses from one of us. There's me before a dance competition, one of Peter and I in high school. I reach into the box and pull out one of Al with his hair done and his thumb at his lips. He's looking directly into the camera, but really he was looking at me when I took it. Christina and Will are engrossed in the pictures of them and Caleb is texting someone. The familiar pang of anxiety hits as I remember back to that day and how I felt about him in that moment. The strange thing is the feeling doesn't last and there is no real intensity. I'm mildly upset by the thought of how I lost my friend but it doesn't create the same overwhelming fear it used to. I look into AL's photographed eyes one last time before I toss it aside and grab the next few pictures. When I see the top one is of Caleb I elbow him with a laugh and hand him the stack.

There's some of our parents and when he gets to my favorite he smiles. It's of my mother holding him when he was little. His blond head resting on her shoulder and her face in a satisfied smile, "you used to be so cute," I tease.

Before he can retaliate Christina yells, "I knew it was in here!" She's holding up a picture in triumph and Caleb plucks it from between her fingers.

I look over his shoulder and the smile that spreads across my face is instantaneous. It's Eric in a grey t-shirt and jeans leaning against the student center. His eyes squinting against the sun as he looked off towards another building. The rush of excitement I get whenever I see him hits me and I'm suddenly sad that he's not here. He knew I was having dinner with Caleb tonight and now that were all here having fun and drinking I find myself wishing he was here despite the pictures I'm sure he wouldn't want to see.

I tap Caleb on the shoulder and when he turns to look at me I ask, "how would you feel about meeting Eric before mom and dad?"

"I'd like that." He smiles and I jump up from the spot I've been occupying by the coffee table.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"No, you don't understand," Caleb is laughing so hard at the story in his head that he can't even get it out, "she fell down the stairs so many times my parents moved her room."

Eric looks at me and I can see his body shaking with held in laughter, "if you laugh you can go home," I threaten.

"Then I will see you tomorrow because that is hysterical," he's laughing out loud now.

Christina and Will seem to be too amused by that story as well and as I look at the coffee table littered with bottles and glasses I realize that their laughter is fueled by more than just my clumsy nature.

It's been almost three hours since Eric got here and I'm stating to feel the effects of drinking and laughing all night. As the last bits of laughter wear down Caleb looks at his watch and releases a disappointed sigh, "as fun as it is, embarrassing you Bea, it's almost two AM and I have a paper to write tomorrow." He stands up and Eric and I both get up as well. "Eric it was nice to meet you," he extends his hand and Eric accepts it willingly, "we'll do this again."

"I hope so. It was nice to meet you too." Eric says.

I offer to walk Caleb out because I'm dying to hear his first impression. As we get to the door he laughs, "I don't know how you managed to find him, but I highly recommend you let him stick around." Caleb pulls me into a warm hug and kisses the top of my head, "Mom will adore him, Dad's going to hate him, we'll figure it all out. Enjoy your sleep over."

"Caleb we're not, I'm not," I start to defend.

He shakes his head and laughs, "I don't know why not. Just relax and have fun Bea, it's college. I don't ever want to hear about it though."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Will and Christina are in the kitchen cleaning up the dishes as Eric and I straighten out the living room. He's collecting all the pictures from the table and putting them back in the box when he stops on one of Peter and I from high school. "How long ago was this?" He asks a sad tone to his voice.

I look at the picture it's us sitting on the floor of his childhood bedroom looking at each other and I'm about to touch his nose. I never realized how often we do that but I guess its kind of our little thing. I don't ever do it to Eric, and I've never seen Peter do it with his girlfriends. "Maybe mid to late senior year? That's his room at his parents. Why?"

"It seems like you two were close," it's certainly not a stretch based on that picture and the fact that Peter is one of very few men outside of my family who can touch me without inducing panic, but as we've gotten older we've grown apart.

I nod my agreement, "we were then. He got a lot more critical that year and we've been more distant since."

"Does he know what you're afraid of?" Eric asks putting the picture back in the box and piling the rest in top of it.

Just as he's asking Christina walks into the room and she answers for me, "he does, and if you ask me that's why he still acts like a dick."

"Chris, stop." I tell her. "She's got this wild theory that Peter acts like a jerk so that I will keep letting him touch me without freaking out."

Eric shakes his head as he puts the lid on the box and drops to the couch pulling me down next to him. "I think she's right."

I shake my head as I settle back into Eric's chest, "you guys are crazy. He's never looked at me as anything more than the awkward girl from high school."

Eric's arms wrap protectively around me and he pulls me closer, "that picture says something entirely different."

Later that night as we're getting ready for bed I'm sitting on the edge of my bed in sleep shorts and a tank top rubbing lotion into my legs when Eric comes in from the bathroom. He's changed into a white T-shirt and basketball shorts and I stop what I'm doing to watch him come in and close the door.

He crosses the room and picks up the lotion bottle, "lay back, let me." His eyes fall to my bare legs and I watch his tongue wet his lips as he squeezes a bit of lotion into his hands and rubs them together so it's not cold. "This stuff smells like candy, no wonder I can't keep my mouth off of you," he says as he starts to run both his hands over my right ankle, up my calf and over my knee. I lean back on my elbows and watch him as his hands splay out over my thigh sliding warm and soft over the sensitive skin. I drop my head to the side and hum in satisfaction while his strong hands massage my leg.

Eric looks up into my eyes as he dispenses more of the sweet smelling cream into his hands and repeats the actions on my left leg. This time when he finishes rubbing the lotion into my thigh he leans forward with his hands on either side of me and kisses me quickly. I can only manage a weak, "thank you," before he kisses me again this time shifting me back onto the bed.

Eric is rougher than usual as he sucks at my throat and, despite my trust in him, I feel the familiar tug of fear when his weight settles on top of me.

My body must stiffen because he's suddenly apologetic and he moves quickly back to his side of my bed.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Eric has been acting strangely since Peter's surprise return a few weeks ago and I am starting to feel as if he doesn't believe me when I tell him there's nothing more than friendship between us. It doesn't help that Peter doesn't seem to like Eric very much.

I agreed to have coffee with Peter today hoping I could get him to come around. I'm standing in my bathroom pulling a flat iron through my hair when a Eric knocks on the door frame and leans against it arms crossed, "you do know your hair is straight already right?" He asks with a chuckle.

"You know how Peter is, I just don't feel like listening to a lecture on proper grooming," I explain.

Eric shakes his head and steps closer settling behind me with I his hands on my hips, "I know how he is. What I don't understand, is why it matters so much to you."

I comb the last section of hair into submission and turn off the appliance before turning to look at Eric, "Peter has always been honest about the way I look, he was right when he told me it was only a matter of time before you realized I'm not on your level. I'm going to do this," I gesture to my hair and make up, "as often as possible."

Eric's face tightens and I see he is jaw clench, "when did he tell you this?"

"He was asking about you over text earlier in the week, he told me I needed to 'step up my game' if I wanted to keep you interested."

Eric shakes his head and pulls me out of the bathroom and into my bedroom. There's a stern look in his eyes as he shuts the door behind us and turns towards me. "can you do me a huge favor? Stop listening to anything that kid says about you." His tone is dark and nearing aggressive. "Ever since he's been back you've retreated back into yourself. He's trying to drive a wedge between us how do you not see that?"

"Eric that's not even remotely possible," I say, "he's trying to help me keep you."

"What other advice did your wonderful friend give you?" He asks sitting down on my bed and resting back on his elbows looking at me expectantly.

I don't care to repeat what Peter said but essentially he told me if I didn't get over my fear and start satisfying Eric someone else with better fashion sense and bigger boobs would, "nothing that doesn't make total sense." Tobias had certainly found a more willing girlfriend.

"The look on your face and the color of your neck tells me it was something that has absolutely nothing to do with him," Eric bites out.

I drop onto the bed next to him and rub my hands along the legs of my jeans trying to dry the sweat, "he was right, and I've been trying really hard."

"So that's where your sudden urge to push through things has come from?" His voice is tight and angry, "you're doing things you're not ready to because this idiot told you you should?" He stands up abruptly and his hands drag through his short blonde hair. "So you'll be through the worst of your fear but you'll doubt me and my motives just enough to put distance between us. He'll get to plant the seed of doubt and you'll turn to him."

"Thats the most paranoid theory I have ever heard," I snap back.

Eric laughs without any real humor behind it, "really? Did he ever like Four? Who was there for you first after Four left?"

The answers are no, and Peter, but I still do not believe Eric's theory and I refuse to answer him. "I'm late, I will call you later."

"Tris," his tone is softer as he grabs my elbow and tugs me back to him, "don't leave like this."

I stand on my toes and kiss him quickly, "lock up when you leave, Christina's still at Will's"

The walk to the coffee shop does nothing to calm my nerves and when I sit down next to Peter he looks me up and down, "everything Ok?"

"Yeah, just a little distracted." I order a latte from the waitress and Peter's eyes are raking over me in their usual appraisal.

"You look good today Bea," he says wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "It's nice to see you taking care of yourself. So what did Dr. Banner do to get you all worked up? Did you meet the 'green guy'?"

Peter's taken to calling Eric 'Dr. Banner' just so he can make Hulk jokes about him getting angry. "Stop calling him that. We just didn't agree on something that's all, we'll figure it out."

"If you say so." Peter takes a sip of his coffee before he goes off on a tangent about the most recent girl he went out with and how she's nothing special but she'll do until the right girl comes around.

"Peter, can I ask you something?" I interrupt.

"Pretty sure you just did," he laughs.

"I'm serous," I pull my hair over my shoulder and tug my sweater sleeves over my hands.

"Uh oh, you just walled yourself off, you're going to ask me a sex question." He says leaning into me.

I cringe at his flippant mention of sex, and my fear, before I say, "no. I just, well Christina, Caleb and I were going through old pictures and one of us was mixed in."

"The one on your parents balcony? I like that one." I smile at the though of the picture he's mentioned but I need to stay focused.

"No, the one from your room, the one Drew took senior year," I remind him.

He nods and the corner of he is mouth pulls up almost involuntarily, "yeah I remember that one," he swipes at my nose with the tip of hi is fingers and suddenly, as if he realizes he's gotten too sentimental he snaps back to his closed off self, "what about it?"

"You didn't like me then did you?" I ask.

"Of course I liked you, we were best friends." His expression is confused.

I shake my head and back away from him a little, "that's not what I meant."

"Don't flatter yourself kiddo," his voice is tight, "why, are you starting to realize you had feelings for me? Because that was always obvious."

"Peter I never looked at you like that and you know it. Someone just mentioned that maybe you were looking at me a little intensely," I explain.

"Sounds like a jealous boyfriend. You failed to mention he was there for your little trip down memory lane. I told you holding out on him was going to backfire on you Beatrice. Time to suck it up and get it over with." He finishes his coffee and looks down at his watch, "I've got class. I'll text you later." He kisses my forehead quickly before pulling on his jacket and then leans in and holds onto my chin. "You've got a thing for the jealous ones and they don't like that we're close. Don't let him get between our friendship Bea." He kisses my cheek and flashes me his best toothy smile before he heads for the door.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: as always I want to hear what you think! The last two chapters haven't been fun but I have the next one partially written and I'm feeling better about that. I've had some awesome conversation and the stuff you bring up in your reviews definitely helps my process so if you've got questions or comments PLEASE SAY SO! I use them to try and make the story better.

Outfits/scene settings are on Polyvore

I own nothing you recognize.

I knock meekly on Eric's apartment door later that afternoon when I know he'll be home from class. I left the coffee shop and just walked. It was freezing and somewhere along the way it started to drizzle but I needed to clear my head. I stopped at the liquor store and picked up a bottle of bourbon I hadn't yet introduced Eric to and now here I am waiting nervously for him open the door.

I'm looking down at my feet when I hear the lock click and the door slides open. I look up to see Eric standing there in his black pants and white button up with his sleeves rolled to his elbows and his hair disheveled. "I'm sorry I didn't call first I was just walking."

He pulls me in by the front of my coat and his lips pull down at the corners. I lift the bottle I've brought and with a weak smile I say, "I brought you something."

"You walked all the way here in the rain?" He asks taking the bottle from me and putting it on the table by the door.

My eyes fall to the floor before I tell him, "I've been walking around for two hours. I needed to think."

Eric helps me out of my coat and only when the cold wet fabric is gone do I realize how uncomfortable the weather has made me. When he's beside me again he pushes my hair over my shoulder and I think how much of a waste of time it was to do my hair.

"Tris we have to talk about this morning." Eric's tone is distracted and almost upset. I feel my heart start to race as reality begins to hit me. I left when Eric asked me not to and now he's going to tell me he's no longer interested in being with me.

"Eric I'm sorry. I never should have told you what Peter said," I start but I have to stop when a strong shutter rips through my body and I realize I'm still soaking wet and freezing.

He pulls me into a tight hug and rests his chin on my head, "you're freezing. Go shower and get into dry clothes. Then we'll talk."

"I'd rather you just do it. I'm just going to have to walk home in the rain after

His face falls when his eyes meet mine and he asks, "why would you leave? It's Thursday, you sleep here on Thursday nights."

"You still want me to stay?" My body is shaking again and I can only blame some of that on the cold.

"Go shower and get warm." He says kissing my forehead and walking into the kitchen.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

I turn the corner into the kitchen where Eric is standing in front of the stove and I am welcomed by the incredible smell of fresh coffee. "Hey," I call out.

He turns from the stove with a spatula in hand and asks, "Feeling better?"

I nod and walk over to where he is. I see that he's made eggs and I am suddenly aware of how hungry I am.

"I'm sorry," I tell him as I slip my hands around him from behind and bury my face in his back. The tightness I've felt in my chest all day starts to ease when I breathe in and the familiar comforting scent of him mixes with the coffee in the air. His hands cover mine and I feel him take a deep breath and sigh. He squeezes my hands as he traces circles with his thumbs.

We stand like this in silence for a long time before I feel him pull my hands from his chest and he steps away. The loss of his warmth makes me shiver again before he turns around completely. The silence between us is tense and uncomfortable and I find myself wishing he would say anything, even if it's bad, just to break the silence.

He puts his hands around my waist and I slip mine to his shoulders. I expect him to kiss me but instead he lifts me off the ground and sets me down on the countertop next to the stove. "Tris," he starts stepping between my legs and holding my thighs, "why do you keep apologizing?"

"I never should have told you what Peter said, and I shouldn't have left while you were angry with me this morning."

Eric's head falls and he rubs his temples sighing, "First of all, I'm glad you told me what he said because it means you're not hiding things from me. I wish you had talked to me about it making you anxious though. Second I wasn't angry with you. I was irritated that you wouldn't talk to me, but not angry."

He puts his hands back on my legs and looks me in the eye, "I am angry at Peter, more so than I like to admit. I'm also frustrated that you don't see what everyone else seems to see."

"Eric, I shouldn't have left like that. I just don't like to fight."

Eric lets out a little laugh, "we're going to fight, it's ok to fight, but that was far from a fight." He puts his hand on my neck pushing his fingers behind my ears and keeps my eyes on his, "running away will only make things worse if we are fighting."

I nod and before I can say anything my stomach makes a horribly loud growling sound. It breaks the tension and we both begin to laugh. "Let me guess you haven't eaten all day?" When I confirm his suspicion he shakes his head and pulls out a fork. He doesn't bother putting anything on a plate just takes a forkful of egg and offers it to me with a raised eyebrow.

There is no way, in my opinion, to look sexy while eating but I try not too look too disgusting as I let him feed me the first bite. Whatever he's done is delicious and I pull the fork from his fingers and proceed to eat from the pan still sitting on the counter. He laughs out loud and the smile it brings to his face eases most of my fear, "have you tasted your own cooking? This is amazing!"

"You haven't eaten since dinner last night I could have given you whole wheat toast with Vegemite and you would think it was delicious."

I shake my head and offer him a forkful he rolls his eyes but takes the fork into his mouth. I watch his lips close around the cool metal and I'm suddenly craving them on my skin. I try to push the lustful thought from my mind as it's obvious we have more to talk about.

When I have eaten more than I should Eric walks back to me with two cups of coffee and hands me one as he steps back between my legs with his own. "I think I like sitting up here," I tell him before I take a sip of the warm comforting liquid.

"Why is that?" Eric asks putting his cup down and rubbing his hands up my legs.

I put my cup down and wrap my arms around his neck, "I like being able to do this without reaching up." I lean closer and kiss his lips gently.

He kisses me back briefly before he says, "hold that thought for just a little longer. I want to talk about Peter."

"Eric please. I just want to pretend it never happened," I groan.

He laughs a little as he lifts me down, "yeah that's not going to happen." I pout as he takes my hands and walks backwards leading me to the living room. He smiles as he says, "don't look at me like that, counseling psych major, talking is what I do." I drop to the couch and he disappears toward the kitchen returning with our forgotten mugs.

"So how was coffee with Peter?" Eric asks when he's settled in next to me on the couch.

I shrug and say, "disturbing."

"How so?"

"I brought up the picture and asked if he had more than friendly feelings then," I explain.

Eric's expression is a mask of calculated calm.

"He turned it around and suggested I had feelings for him. When I assured him that is not the case he turned everything on you saying you were jealous of our friendship and you were trying to come between him and I."

"Do you think that?" He asks.

"That's why I walked for so long," I say, "at first it was all just too much; you accusing him, him accusing you."

Eric nods, "I can see where that could get overwhelming."

I finish my coffee and put down the cup as I slide closer to him, "the more I thought about what everyone has always said about Peter and how he was with Tobias, how he's been since he found out about you, the way he reacted when I asked, it all started to sink in and I see it now. It doesn't change the fact that what he said about us makes sense."

"I know it makes you uncomfortable and I'm sorry, but it's been bothering me all day, what exactly did he say?" Eric asks placing our palms together and wrapping his fingers over mine his eyes following the movement of his hand.

I bury my face in my shoulder because just thinking about it makes me uneasy. "I still have it on my phone. Do you want to just read it?"

"Tris I'm not trying to police your friendship, It's just that you seemed to believe whatever he said was possible, I can't assure you of anything if I don't know what the concern is." He doesn't release my hand right away instead he traces circles with his thumb on my palm, "you don't have to show me."

"I'm just not comfortable saying some of it out loud," I explain getting up and coming back with my phone. I find the conversation and Eric pulls me into his lap so that he can read over my shoulder. There's pointless small talk about classes at the beginning and I say that as I flip through. Eric's chin rests on my shoulder and his arm winds around my waist.

P-So how's The boyfriend?

T-Good. We're going to dinner tonight.

P-You seem totally cool with him touching you. Pretty sure that was a hickey I saw when you put your hair up at dinner yesterday.

T-I wasn't always ok with it. He's been really patient.

P-So it was a hickey

T-Shut up :p

P-So that's how you're keeping him around?

T-What do you mean?

P- Come on Bea! Dr. Banner is WAY out of your league

"Dr. Banner, really?" Eric asks shaking his head.

T-Don't call him that, and I don't know why he's with me but for now he is and I'm enjoying it.

P-Come on the guy is massive, he's gotta turn green when he's mad

T-Enough Peter! I've never even seen him get mad he's always completely in control of himself

P-Right. So you're putting out now? Is that how you managed to keep him interested.

Eric's arm around my waist flinches tighter as he reads.

T-No! You know I can't do that.

P-You CAN do it, you CHOOSE not to. And you really need to get over that before you lose another boyfriend to someone who's actually got her shit together.

T-He wouldn't do that

P-Right. Because you really expected Tobias to leave? Tris there's dozens of girls prettier than you with huge tits who dress like adults that would be willing to satisfy someone like him. I'm just trying to help you out here. A little make up and some hair spray, maybe a trip through Christina's closet and maybe you'll buy yourself some time but you really need to get yourself over this no sex thing, and quick, if you intend to keep him around.

There's more that comes after but it's mostly nonsense and making plans for today.

Eric looks at the date and says, "you had a panic attack in bed that night." I nod. "You pushed because of this?" I had let things escalate that night well beyond what I was comfortable with, I had climbed on top of him naked trying to will myself to push forward. Eric had pulled me down and kissed me holding me to him by the small of my back and when he'd rolled his hips up into me and I felt his excitement through his boxers the panic set in. I started to shake uncontrollably and I spent the rest of the night in one of his t-shirts crying. When Eric's forehead falls to my back it brings me back to reality, he pulls my phone out of my hand tossing it aside. His arms wrap back around me and hold me tight to him. I can feel him taking slow deep breaths.

"Eric I'm sorry." I say trying to wiggle free so I can face him. He won't let me up he just keeps me on his lap with my back to him.

When he finally speaks it's low and measured he's obviously trying to stay in control. He lifts his head from my back and turns me so that I'm leaning against the arm of the sofa and I can look up at him, "I'm not even going to touch the Hulk reference since you tried to stop it, but if he calls me Dr. Banner in person he'll see what happens when I actually get mad. This whole conversation is not a conversation someone has with a friend. He did nothing but try to make you feel insecure and doubtful of us." My eyes drop to my lap and Eric lifts my face with a finger under my chin, "don't do that, the fact that this bothered you so much makes me think you don't trust me." His voice is almost hurt and his eyes watch my face for a sign of confirmation.

"It's just that," I start but I can't form a coherent thought, "he's right."

"Tris do you really believe that I would sleep with someone else?" Eric asks me.

I look up to the ceiling to fight the tears and say, "I wouldn't blame you if you did."

"Look at me." His voice is rough as stern and I take a slow deep breath and lower my eyes to his. "I am not that person. I would never sleep with someone else while we're together."

"While we're together." I repeat a little more biting than intended.

He looks at me a little affronted and says, "we're together now and I have no intention of that changing anytime soon, do you?"

"No."

Eric's hands find mine and he intertwined our fingers, "Tris, I know we started out weird but I assure you I am not in this for research or sex." He squeezes my hands and looks intently into my eyes, "I need to know something, am I just a means to an end of your fear, or is this about more than that?"

I want to be shocked by his question but the truth is a few weeks ago he was just my hot T.A. offering to help me with my fear and now I'm spending nights in his apartment, subjecting him to Mrs. Vargas, and he is suffering through my panic attacks. I know the answer to his question and I have known for a long time, " Eric it's been about more than that since I let you drink my Watershed."

He laughs a little and releases one of my hands so he can cup my cheek and pull me down to him. "You have no idea how happy I am you said that, " he whispers against my lips. He closes the distance between us with a strong but chaste kiss.

When he pulls back I pull my lip between my teeth and I can taste him on my lips. He is entirely intoxicating and I lean back in to kiss him again.

He keeps his hand on my cheek and puts his thumb over my lips, "as much as all I want to do right now is kiss you senseless I need five more minutes."

I purse my lips to kiss his intruding finger and nod.

"Peter is causing more problems than I am comfortable with," he says pulling me into him. "Like I said I do not want to police your friendship, but I will tell you that he makes me uneasy. You need to decide how to proceed with him, but I am going to ask that the next time something he says makes you unsure of us, of me, then I need you to talk to me before you internalize it."

I nod my agreement and drop my forehead to his.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

I survive an exam in Abnormal Psych and I'm walking towards the dining hall because I've made plans to have lunch with Peter, which I'm sure will not go well because of what I need to say, when Eric texts me.

E- That dress is just evil.

T- Stalker much? Where are you?

E- in my office. I saw you leave class after your test tried to stop you but you we're go be by the time I got to the hall

T- Sorry

E- Then come back

T- I'm on way way to meet Peter for lunch

E- You're going to put pants on first right?

T- Haha

E- You'll tell me how it goes?

T- Of course.

E- When you're done come to my office and let me appreciate that outfit up close? Maybe see what it looks like on the floor?

He's been much more forward about telling me what he's thinking, or in this case wanting, he says it's how he would normally treat a girlfriend not a patient which is what I am. It was strange the first few times but it's starting to make me feel good to know he thinks about these things even when I'm not around.

T- When I'm done I'm going to turn in my Small Animal Anatomy paper and the go to my Pharmacology double lecture. I will see you at my apartment tonight?

E-Too long to wait I'm crashing your lunch date with the devil.

T-You'll do no such thing

E- Fine.

T- I'm going into the dining hall I'm putting my phone away

E- Tell Peter I love him

T- Don't be a dick

I laugh and slide my phone into my bag as I walk up to the table Peter's sitting at and he stands to greet me.

"Hey you. Going for that farm girl look? Not sure it's working for you Bea." He says kissing my cheek and playing with the sleeve of my dress.

"I'm sorry you don't like it. Eric loved it." That was a little passive aggressive.

"I'm sure he did. So how is my big green friend?" Peter asks as we walk up to the counter to get food.

I pick up a sandwich and a water and say, "look, I know you don't like Eric but you can't keep making Hulk jokes. He's my boyfriend and it's disrespectful."

Peter shakes is head and laughs, "you think I don't like him? You've got it all wrong. I like the guy, I just don't think he's going to stick around if you're gonna make him sit around dissatisfied for months like you did to Tobias, or bait and switch like you did to Al."

We sit down at a table and I'm glad to be off my feet because the mention of Al and Tobias makes my legs a little shaky. "I didn't do anything wrong to either of them," I defend.

"You puked on Al and then never spoke to him again. The kid was one of your closest friends and was totally in love with you. That's wrong." Peter sounds irritated.

"So this is what you and Al talk about at home? Me and my pathetic panic attacks?" I snap out at him.

"You don't think maybe you owed it to him to at least have a conversation?" Peter asks.

"I can't even see him without having anxiety attacks. How was I supposed to," Peter cuts me off before I can finish my thought.

"So you mean to tell me you've never had a panic attack with Eric?" The way Peter says his name irritates me. "The look on your face tells me you have. All I'm saying is you could have talked to the kid."

"I'll think about it." I say. He has a point and maybe talking to Al wouldn't be so bad he was my friend once.

"In other news I found this cleaning out an old box." He slides a picture across the table it's of he and I at prom. He went with a girl named Molly who he'd been dating for a few months. I went alone. We'd danced together a few times and apparently someone had taken a picture. Looking at it now I realize that this is the definitive answer to the question that's been causing so much turmoil. Peter had feelings I never had. In the picture his hands are on my waist and mine are on his shoulders, I'm laughing at my inability to dance and Peter's eyes are glued to me with a look I don't think I ever noticed because my eyes were closed.

"Peter, do you... I mean did you... I know I've asked but you never really answered me. Did you want more than friendship?" I stumble through as I slide the picture back to him.

He looks down at the picture and rolls his eyes, "do you always need to look too deeply into things?" He stands up and leans in to kiss my temple and for the first time his touch makes me flinch. "Great, that's great Bea, I'm not going to hurt you."

He doesn't say anything else or let me say anything else he's just gone. I'm left sitting alone with this uncomfortably sweet picture, and the realization that everyone was right about Peter and I may have lost my oldest friend.


	8. Trick or Treat

AN: I'm so sorry this took so long but I'm hoping to be forgiven for my tardiness. Real life has been crazy the last few weeks and because so many people have messaged me about how they relate to this story for many reasons I feel obligated not to rush it. Let me know what you think. PS if the Halloween argument sounds familiar to FWB that's because I'm convinced that in any world Eric would hate Halloween. I am nothing if not consistant.

I love watching Eric as he grades papers. I'm standing in the doorway to my bedroom watching him intently. He's got on a pair of black reading glasses and he's propped up against my headboard; a red pen in his mouth as he turns pages. "Baby, is there something on my face?" He asks around the implement between his teeth.

"No." I walk closer to the bed and put the bottle of water I'm carrying on the table. My eyes rake over him again his blue and white checked button up shirt rolled up to his elbows exposing his tattoos and a pair of dark grey dress pants. His shoes are lined up neatly beside my bed with my messenger bag dumped in a heap with my boots next to them.

"Then can you stop staring at me? You're freaking me out," Eric laughs as he takes the pen in his fingers and turns to me.

"Sorry," I laugh, "you're just so cute when you concentrate."

He puts the paper he was reading on the nightstand followed by his pen and glasses before he pulls me into his lap, "I know lunch didn't go well because you've been acting tense since I got here. Are we going to talk about it or are you just going to let it drive you crazy?"

"He gave me a lot to think about." I tell him looking down at my fingers picking at my cuticles.

"Do I get to be part of the process?" He asks.

I bite my lip and look up at him. He's looking at me with his pierced eyebrow raised. I let out a small sigh an say, "I'm not sure you'll be happy about it."

His features relax and he shakes his head, "I'm a grown up I think I can handle it."

I lean over to my bag on the floor and slide the picture out, "Peter found this and thought I'd like to see it."

Eric looks at it uncomfortably and says, "you looked really pretty."

"I looked ridiculous in that yellow dress, but your sweet for trying. I assume you noticed the same thing I did?" Eric's eyes meet mine and I know he did, "he still won't admit it but now I'm sure. It makes me really uncomfortable to think I've let him touch me so much."

"I know that feeling." It's sarcastic and harsh and I start to rethink talking to him about this just because I don't want Peter to come between us.

"We don't need to talk about this if it's going to bother you." I say

"I'm not bothered," he defends. " So what are you going to do?"

"If I have to be honest then so do you. There's nothing I can do, he knows I don't feel the same way." I pull the picture from his hand and throw it to the floor next to my bag.

"Fine I'm a little bothered but only because I don't like that you're uncomfortable," Eric says twisting the end of my ponytail in his fingers.

"I have a feeling he's too angry with me for flinching away from him to even speak to me for a while." I say leaning into Eric. "I don't want to think about it anymore today."

He nods and kisses me softly, "So if you don't want to talk about lunch can we talk about this dress?" His lips pull up into a small smile as he helps me adjust my position so I'm straddling his lap.

I'm still wearing the plaid shirt dress he complimented earlier. I shift myself closer as I ask him, "you really like it?"

I left the first two buttons undone and he manipulates the third until it releases. He runs his finger over the skin he's just exposed and looks up at me with a small nod, "I definitely like it. I stand by my earlier statement; I would have liked it on my office floor."

"I don't think Dr. Matthews would approve Mr. Coulter." He growls a little as he reaches up to bite at my neck. I can't surpress the giggle I release as he tightens his grip around my waist and continues his assault on my throat.

A sharp knock on my door breaks the bubble and Christina's voice calls out "just remember I'm home tonight and as much as I want you to do it, I don't want to hear it!"

Eric's forehead drops to my shoulder and I bury my fingers in his hair as we both start to laugh.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"Tris I'm almost thirty, I'm not going out on Halloween." He's protesting my insistance that he participate in our little holiday tradition.

"Eric, it's costumes and bourbon and dancing. You're never too old for any of those things."

"No one is stopping you from going. I will be on my couch with Call of Duty and beer."

I cross my arms over my chest and huff like a toddler having a tantrum, "Because that's so much more mature."

"Pot, meet kettle," he admonishes.

"I have class," I huff out.

He forces my arms uncrossed and pulls me into a hug, "we can spend a night doing separate things and still survive."

"We do separate things all the time, I want you to do this with me." I turn my eyes up as I return his hug.

He shakes his head, "I'm sorry Tris, this one you will not win. I hate Halloween." He kisses my cheek and says, "now go to class I will talk to you later."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

I'm convinced Christina is trying to kill me with the curling iron as she does my hair into an elaborate style she insists is vampiric and complains about Eric's absence. "I still can't believe he turned you down. Did you tell him I was dressing you up?"

"He says he hates Halloween," I shrug.

Will chimes in as he pulls suspenders over his shoulders, "who hates Halloween? It's costumes, and bourbon, and dancing."

"I told him just that, but apparently that is not enticing enough for him." I explain.

"We should take a picture of your legs just above those thigh highs and under the skirt. He'll be over here before your fangs are set," Christina says dangling my phone in front of my face. "You know how much Eric loves my photography skills. Pretty sure I saw that picture as his phone wallpaper."

"You shut up you're lucky you're still alive after that picture," I remind her.

She tugs at more of my hair and continues, "so how are things progressing?"

I laugh a little and hand her a bobby pin, "good I guess. Since we've stopped talking about my problem as a problem and just started to let it progress it's been pretty much the same."

"Has he told you he loves you yet?" She asks.

I shake my head, "no. I'm sure that's a long way off."

"Have you told him you love him? Maybe he's waiting for you to say it," she suggests.

"How do you know that I do?" I ask.

She laughs out loud, "you're kidding right? You loved Tobias we all know that, but you are seriously IN LOVE with Eric."

"What are you talking about?" She's right I am head over heels in love with Eric but it hasn't been all that long and I feel kind of crazy admitting it.

"You're a terrible liar Beatrice Prior. I've never seen you so comfortable around someone and the way you two look at each other is going to make someone diabetic," she tells me matter of factly.

I let out a long breath and meet her eyes in the mirror and admit, "I'm way deep into this."

She smiles, "I know. Feels good doesn't it?" She asks as she looks over to where Will is sitting in our living room. I've always wanted what Will and Christina seem to have. This comfortable acceptance of one another for who they are. They are very different people and somehow they make it work. Eric is the first person who has never judged me for my fear, and while he's tried to help me over come it he's never made it an issue between us.

"He's actually pretty perfect," I tell her.

She nods her agreement, "definitely perfect for you."

"I love Eric." It sounds strange hearing myself say it but it feels right at the same time.

"I'm not the one you should be telling," Christina says.

I laugh and hand her another pin as I say, "baby steps."

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

I take one of the ridiculous iridescent plastic cherries Christina has left over after sewing dozens of them onto her costume and bite it between my teeth. I'm careful to keep my ink black lips off the fake fruit and I bare the sharp double fangs Chris' makeup artist friend has glued into my mouth. I fight down a giggle as I take a close up picture of just my mouth. When I'm sure it's just suggestive enough without being vulgar I show Christina and ask if I should send it.

"Absolutely; that's insanely hot" she answers enthusiastically as she taps Will on the arm. "Babe don't you think Eric will kick himself for staying home if he gets that picture?" she yanks my phone from my fingers and shows her boyfriend who's busy putting eyeliner in lines around one eye.

He looks up from the mirror and nods, "Definitely going to make him rethink this no Halloween nonsense." Will throws the eyeliner pencil back in Christina's bag and turns to me, "Your boyfriend does understand that he lives in a major city and that Halloween is one of the biggest nights to be out doesn't he?" He asks as he adjusts the bowler hat atop his head.

Eric and I have had this conversation many times over the last few days he's adamant about not going anywhere but his couch on Halloween. "I tried to explain it to him, he just told me he'd never ask me to break tradition but he will not be partaking in the fun," I shrug as I attach the picture to a text message and send it to Eric with the message 'too bad this is all I'll get to sink my fangs into tonight'.

"His loss," Christina says, "I still think we should take a picture of this right here," she gestures to the small area of my thighs that's exposed by the high front hem of my skirt before it dips below my knees at the back in an exaggerated ruffle and the top of the black thigh high stockings with white crosses down the front, "he would be here already if we had sent that earlier."

"He'll see plenty of pictures on Instagram I'm sure," Christina nods her agreement. Just as I'm about to pull on my jacket to leave my phone vibrates in my hand. Eric has responded to my message.

E-Nice try. Your mouth looks incredible, just make sure the clowns your going out with remember that it's strictly off limits to anyone who isn't me. Let me see the rest.

I cant help but smile, he's not really jealous or worried but it's nice to hear him be just a little possessive. Since he's chosen to ditch me tonight I feel the need to tease him just a bit.

T-Well seeing as I've already bitten Christina's cherry, I think that gives her just a little claim. If you wanted to see what I was wearing you should have come out.

E-If YOU want to see what I'm NOT wearing you should just skip the bar and come here.

T-Evil

E-Just mildly. So who else is going with you?

T-Christina and Will, Christina's friend Marlene, Lauren and Tobias, some of Lauren's sorority sisters and a few of Tobias' fraternity brothers. Peter was supposed to come but he hasn't spoken to anyone about it since I had lunch with him.

E-You'll be OK if he does come?

T-Yeah. Can't avoid him forever.

E-Don't stress about it, just have fun with your friends.

T-I'd have more fun if you were coming with us

E-You'd have even more fun if you came here

T- I'll Instagram pictures

E-Be careful, call if you need me.

He left that wide open for me, I hit the picture of him next to his text bubble and put the phone to my ear.

Eric answers and I can hear the smile in his voice, "Hi baby." There's the sound of gunshots and screaming in the distance and I know he's playing a video game.

"You told me to call if I need you. I can think of at least three ways I need you right now." I say biting my lip and looking at Christina who is holding a hand over her mouth to hold in the laughter.

"Just three? That's weak call me when you can think of at least seven." He's laughing lightly and the violent background noise stops. "Go have fun with your friends and let me know when you get in, even if it's late."

"Ok, I will. I L…" I stop mid sentence when I realize that I was about to say I love you. Christina's eyes are wide when she realizes that the conversation she and I had while she was doing my hair must have made me almost say it to him right there over the phone.

"You what?" he asks confused.

"I, uh, I will talk to you later." I stumble out.

"Right, talk to you later." He says.

I hang up the phone and look at Christina. "I almost said that."

"You almost did. Come on let's go before you change your mind and ditch us for the old shut in." She laughs as she drags me out the front door.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The music is incredible tonight and the costumes are even more impressive than last year.

We've been to this party every Halloween since we started college and Christina is always determined to put us both in the best costumes. As usual we're surrounded by girls in lingerie that has no real purpose except that they have an excuse to be half naked at a club but there are also some great creative costumes. Then there's the professionals. The people in all out, movie quality, zombie make up. It makes the two small bite marks on my neck look like an afterthought even though they're pretty impressive.

I've kept my drinking to a minimum because these things always tend to get a little too crazy and I like to have my wits about me. At just after midnight I check my phone and there's a message from Eric.

E-Just saw the picture of you and Christina on Instagram. You look amazing. Those bite marks better be fake.

I laugh to myself before I write back

T-Movie magic baby. Hope you're having fun all alone with your COD imaginary friends

E-Ehh moved on to bad 80s movies and take out Thai from that place down the block.

T-I'm so proud of my adventurous eater

E-Shut up

T-Make me

E-Don't start that. Are you having fun?

T-Definitely having fun.

I want to say 'but I miss you' but I don't

E-Heading home any time soon?

T-Probably another hour or so.

E-I will talk to you then

I slide my phone back in my pocket and while I've been having fun all night I realize all I really want right now is to be with Eric. The few drinks I've had are making me bold and the conversation with Christina from earlier has made me realize I don't want to wait any longer. I need to go to Eric's now before I lose my nerve.

I find Christina and Will on the dance floor and I wrap my arms around her from behind. At first she jumps but when she turns and sees it's me she smiles wide and I lean down and say over the music, "I need to leave like now. I need to get to Eric's, I'm ready."

"Really?!" Christina's expression looks as though she's about to cry. One of the many reasons I love Christina is that I can be vague and cryptic and she knows just what I'm thinking. She grabs Will and starts to drag him as she pushes me towards the door.

"Christina what are you doing?" I ask her.

"We're going to Eric's!" she announces proudly.

I look at her for a second and shake my head, "This is kind of something I need to do on my own."

"We're not going in, but you can't walk there alone tonight dressed like that," she reminds me.

"Right." My decision is weighing heavily in my mind as we make our way out of the still active party and down the street.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

We're all standing outside of Eric's door, and Christina nudges me forward to knock.

A few seconds later the locks click and Eric is standing in the open door in basketball shorts and a hoodie. "Hey guys," he greets obviously confused by our sudden appearance. "Did you want to come in?" He asks stepping away from the door.

"Actually Will and I were heading back to the apartment and we were wondering if you could take this evil little blood sucker off our hands?" Christina says with a laugh.

Eric smiles as he pulls me in close by the hem of the corset top I'm wearing, "I think I can help you out there," he says.

"Perfect! Well Happy Halloween! Have fun," she says with a wink at me before she laces her fingers with Will's and pulls him down the hallway.

Eric lets me pass into his apartment and shuts the door behind us before he turns to me and I smile up at him and say "Trick or Treat."

He lets out a low laugh and says, "You look great." He turns my chin up to inspect the bite-marks at my neck and plays a little with the short front hem of my skirt.

I feel my anxiety kick in when he leans in to kiss me. Eric must sense the tension because he stops before his lips reach mine and asks me what's wrong.

"Nothing," I lie reaching up to run my fingers through the short hair at the nape of his neck and pull him down towards me.

"Tris," his voice is a low whisper and I know he's going to try to make me talk about it.

I shake my head and close the distance between our lips before he can ask his question. I hold him to me as I run my tongue gently over his bottom lip. With just that small gesture the tension in his body eases and his lips part enough for me to push my tongue past them to meet his. I could stay just like this forever. Suddenly his tongue strokes against mine and catches the point of one of the fangs I nearly forgot were glued into my mouth. He pulls back taking my lower lip between his teeth for just a moment before he opens his eyes and the steel grey of them pierces my own. "Let me see them," he laughs. I bare my teeth at him with a playful snarl and he smiles wider

"Definitely sexy. I have to say you're beautiful without make up but this," he gestures to the elaborate make up and costume, "there's something about this whole thing that's got me insane."

He leans in and kisses me again quickly. This time I break the contact, "I was hoping you would say that." I tell him as I pull him closer again. I'm leaning against the wall by the door and his body weight against me stirs up the heat in my stomach. "Christina and Will didn't want the apartment to themselves," I admit as stretch up to tug at his lip with my teeth.

His pierced eyebrow lifts in question as he pushes a loose curl over my shoulder and says, "why didn't you just text and tell me you were coming over?"

"I wanted to surprise you, and I didn't want you to talk me out of this," he opens his mouth to ask what but I don't let him get it out. I pull him down into a much more urgent kiss than I usually initiate and as his hands tighten around my hips I pull my right leg up around his side and use it to pull him closer as I roll my hips against him. The friction is exactly what I was craving and I let out a soft moan into Eric's mouth. I feel his body shift as though he's going to stop and I can't let him. I'm already starting to feel the first signs of fear and I'm trying to focus just on how Eric's hands on my hips make me wish my skirt wasn't preventing me from feeling the warmth of his skin against mine, I focus on the smell of Eric's body wash and the underlying warmth that is not anything he wears or uses it is just something so fundamentally Eric and I allow that to help me relax just enough to keep moving forward.

I let my hands fall from his shoulders and slide between us. I stop when I feel the drawstring tied at his waist holding his shorts in place and I gently tug at one of the strings. My actions must have snapped Eric back into reality because he stops kissing me and pulls back. His concern is written across his face and he rests one hand on my cheek forcing me to keep eye contact, "what would I try to talk you out of?" his voice is barely a whisper. I reach up to kiss him again but he won't let me, "what's going on Tris?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I tell him before he can protest I continue, "we talk too much and too often. While we were out tonight I realized I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to analyze and overthink it anymore. I want this, I want it with you and I want it tonight." I can feel the heat coloring my face and now I've given him the chance to reject me. I keep my eyes locked on his and there's an unspoken plea in them to not turn me down.

I watch as his grey iris' begin to recede around the black of his pupils expanding as his gaze drops from my eyes to my lips, and continues down over the exposed skin at my chest. His hand leaves my cheek and undoes the first hook at the top of my corset. His eyes watch the fabric shift out of the way and then back to the skin it has just exposed. He licks his lips and looks up at me again, "this isn't exactly the perfect moment I was trying to plan." He admits.

My fingers twist into his short blonde hair and I realize that with Eric there was always going to be some talking about it, "there's too much pressure if we say it has to be perfect. I love you and that's enough."

His eyes snap to mine from where they were watching my mouth. I didn't mean for it to come out like that but now it's there and he looks as though I've thrown water in his face. I start to try to explain myself, "You don't have to say it I didn't say it so you would I just,"

"Tris," he interrupts, "I love you too. I didn't want to say it first because I didn't want you to think I was using it to pressure you."

"Really," I ask.

His smile now is wide and he nods. "We don't need to do this tonight." He tells me.

I pull him tighter to me and say, "I need to do this now."

He looks at me once more as if he's looking for any sign that I'm lying or forcing it. I'm terrified right now, not so much for what is about to happen, more because I'm afraid Eric will decide he doesn't want me. "This isn't a dream?" His question comes out as barely a whisper and I take my lower lip between my teeth and shake my head.

"Definitely not a dream," I promise before his lips find mine.

There's a fierce intensity to the way Eric is kissing me now. His right hand is at my jaw holding my face to his and his left is holding onto the leg I have wrapped around him again. Eric's weight is holding me firmly to the wall and instead of making me nervous it is making me braver. I feel his lips leaving mine and I hold his hand to my face.

His lips turn up against mine and before I can protest the stop he takes my lip between his teeth for a second and I open my eyes to meet his. "I'm not stopping," his voice is low and amused, "I promise I won't stop unless you tell me to." The next thing I know he is on his knees in front of me.

I watch him as he runs his hands up my legs and under my skirt. His hands are warm against my bare thighs and I let my hand steady me on his shoulder. Eric's gaze finds mine and he smiles devilishly as he hooks his fingers in the waistband of the nearly non existent undergarments Christina talked me into. He pulls them down slowly and the cool air against my over heated center makes me suck in a sharp breath. He grabs the hem of my skirt and as he begins to inch it higher his lips place small kisses to my thighs. My eyes slip shut and my head falls back as he moves torturously higher.

Soon the familiar warmth of his tongue is stroking slowly over me pushing me so close to climax, so quickly, that I almost lose my balance. Somehow he manages to keep me steady and slides two fingers into me. I can no longer stay quiet and I let out some version of his name. I can only hold on another minute before I feel the rush of warmth that signals my orgasm over takes me.

Eric stands back up in front of me and I pull at the sweatshirt he's wearing. He tugs it over his head and drops it to the floor. I run my hands over the soft skin of his chest and up around his neck pulling him closer. I arch myself up closer until I can close the distance between our lips. His tongue tastes of my own excitement and the thought of what he's just done makes me crave more.

Strong hands on either side of my head brace Eric's weight as he kisses me. I slide one hand from around his neck and trail it down until I find the fabric of his shorts. There is an urgency that hits me suddenly and I bite his lower lip as I bring my other hand to meet the first and I hook my thumbs inside his waist band and push sharply at the offending clothing.

Eric releases a hiss when my teeth sink into his lip and his eyes fly open when he realizes I'm trying to push his clothing out of the way. "Tris, are you,"

I don't let him finish his question, "don't ask me if I'm sure." I tug his shorts down his hips and after a seconds hesitation he helps me. Eric is standing before me naked and panting, there's no denying his excitement and the gravity of the situation starts to hit me. I am about to lose my virginity against the wall of Eric's apartment dressed as a vampire. I should be panic stricken, frozen with fear, but instead the sight of him panting and trying so hard to restrain himself makes me want this more.

Eric has shown nothing but respect and control these last few months, I want to see him lose that control and I am sure that I will never trust anyone else enough to allow them this close in a moment like this. I take his face in my hands as his find my hips. "I'm scared, but I don't want you to stop," I tell him.

Eric nods and kisses me just once quickly, "It's going to hurt." His voice sounds as though he regrets the fact that he'll have to cause me any pain even though it will bring him what I can only imagine is immense relief.

"It's OK," and I mean it. Christina has assured me that it won't be excruciating and it won't last long. I will just have to endure it if I ever want to know what it feels like to be closer to this incredible man. "I trust you." Somehow telling Eric I trust him in this moment seems more appropriate than telling him I love him.

"I love you," he tells me quietly before he kisses me more intensely than he ever has before. He lifts me off the ground by my thighs and I instinctively wrap my legs around him. His weight holds me against the wall as one hand holds my hip and the other falls between us. I feel him align himself to me and there's a gentle pressure.

It's happening and the reality washes over me. I feel my heart speed up and the panic I've been expecting begins. I find Eric's eyes with my own and I try to silently encourage him to move forward despite the sheer terror that has washed over me. My fingers dig into his shoulders and he moves forward slowly. Just as I'm sure he's going to push forward I feel him try to back away. I lock my legs around him and push myself forward with more force than I even thought I was capable of and the burning pain and sudden overfull discomfort is more than I was prepared for.

Eric is frozen in place complete shock written across his face. I have to squeeze my eyes shut to fight back the tears the pain has brought on. I feel his tension ease as he holds me around the waist and one of my legs slides back to the floor the other locked around him holding him to me. He breaks the silence with a breathy apology, "Tris, baby I'm sorry." One strong hand pushes the stray hairs off my cheeks and the other holds my hip in place. He's kissing my face softly all over and this sudden wave of relief floods over me. He is inside me completely and while it's certainly not the most pleasurable sensation he's ever made me feel it's tolerable and the longer we stay like this the more I have the urge to roll my hips against him for friction.

I open my eyes to see him squeezing his shut, his full bottom lip between his teeth turning it white, he's holding himself back and I have an overwhelming urge to see his eyes on mine, and to see what this closeness does for him. I put one hand on his cheek and his eyes open just slightly. I make eye contact and slowly move my hips against him. It stings a bit but the feeling of him filling me is becoming more enjoyable than painful and when I move he hits something inside me that makes me moan slightly.

His eyes open more at my actions and he's suddenly searching my face for something. "It's Ok," I assure him, "I'm OK." He looks like he wants to say something but he can't get it out. I tell him, "just go slow."

He nods briefly and starts to pull back a fraction of an inch and then a bit more he looks into my eyes and slowly pushes into me again, he watches my eyes as he does it again this time moving back further and pushing forward again a bit quicker. With each movement the sting is less and the tingling in my lower belly builds. It's not long before I'm moaning his name and he's biting gently at my throat. I feel the familiar warmth of an orgasm starting and I begin to rock my hips to meet his movements. I cry out louder than I mean to as it hits me and Eric's mouth covers mine as I feel his body tense. He pushes into me deeper and harder one last time and I feel a sudden warmth and his length buried in me begins to twitch. He's kissing me gently over and over and as he pulls out of me I feel suddenly empty.

I grab onto his shoulders to hold him closer to me as if he's going to disappear if I let him go. "Tris, what's wrong?" He breaks the silence with his question. I look up and he's looking me over concerned.

I can't put my fear into words I just pull him down and kiss him roughly. He separates us and his hands hold my cheeks, "easy I'm not going anywhere." I am relieved that, as usual, he has managed to interpret how I feel. "Let's get you cleaned up and comfortable," he suggests taking my hands and pulling me towards the shower.

AN FYI I think I am more relieved that that's over than any of the characters in the story. Just saying. I'm sure not everyone is going to like how this went down, but I felt like it needed to be this way.


End file.
